Internet blog

you know what i think should happen?

2012-02-17T01:46:00.001-08:00

more guidebooks.

like...
how not to ask stupid questions
or
how to keep your mouth shut
or
how to wear a belt
or
10 ways to at least appear considerate.

seriously, 2012. smh.

days like today

2012-02-16T18:13:00.000-08:00

Today is a day that I felt really stupid on multiple occasions. Actually, I guess this feeling started yesterday. I think I'm a little confused on what my place is. I'm just tired of being myself and then feeling stupid for feeling comfortable enough to open up like that. Every time I do and act exactly how I want to, I regret it. If I have something I want to say that might not go over too well, I should just keep it to myself. I'm just tired of the awkwardness that follows speaking my mind, in every situation in my life.

Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T20:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I try to make myself feel better about all of this by reminding myself of all the people I used to care about and don't anymore. Really, though, that makes it about ten times worse. The truth is that I don't want to stop caring, and every time that something we used to have is pushed farther and farther away, the more afraid I get. I spend so much time pushing the thought of "It's really over" out of my head.
But it's really over, and it seems like the worst thing in the world. And knowing that one day, this won't feel like the worst thing in the world is what is making this more painful. I don't want to believe there will be a day that I don't care about him anymore.
It's impossible for me to let that happen.

I miss

2012-02-01T23:31:00.001-08:00

Steven's Creek Market and Liquor
Steak and Shake
smoking blunts without getting a sore throat
Jonah
my voice
sleeping
the stairs on McClellan
talking to you
and especially, sand in my shoes :(

it's been a long week

2012-01-26T19:24:00.001-08:00

my brain doesn't feel like an organ anymore but like a mass of tissue taking up space in my head. i'm happy to have tomorrow off.

some things...
1) people will usually do things you expect them to do, but turns out, not really. people come out the cuts with some shit that is either too normal or too crazy to be considered as anything someone would USUALLY do. lesson? don't expect anything from anyone because often times, they'll do the exact opposite.
2) acoustic guitar playing. it's time for me to move on up.
3) the ohlone college newspaper (the moniter) is the worst.
4) also, it's a big world out there. if you can't go anywhere, at least allow someone to teach you about it.

2012-01-23T15:35:00.001-08:00

it's horrible how much we all compare ourselves to others, and i can't help but feel like i will never be good enough for anybody with all the other, more beautiful and less bitchy options that they have.

self-loathinggggg

oh and if anyone was curious

2012-01-21T02:15:00.000-08:00

the person checking all the "lame" boxes is my ex boyfriend. because there's no way my blogs could ACTUALLY be considered lame by someone who DOESN'T hate me.

2012-01-21T02:14:00.000-08:00

i love facebook statuses that say things like, " i just want to end it all."
keep `em coming!

2012-01-17T18:01:00.001-08:00

i deserve a different point of view.
i deserve to never have to think about you.
i reserve the right to live a lie.
i deserve to get a chance to make you cry.

2012-01-12T19:03:00.002-08:00

things that feel real usually aren't
the things i second guess are the things i should believe in.

i like to do things the hard way, and i notice the less people i have in my life, the happier i am.

soo...

2012-01-11T14:12:00.001-08:00

are marriage proposals how guys spit game now? so unconventional, but just as unfortunate.
for future reference: if all you're trying to do is fuck me, it's completely unneccessary to pull out the big guns, such as "love" or "marriage", or even "i really like you". save it, for reals. i'd rather be a whore than waste precious time that i'll never get back thinking that someone might actually be down with "me" as a "person".
so, how stupid am i? if i have to ask, i'll never know.

quote of the night

2011-12-31T00:58:00.000-08:00

"You know what's good to do with a soccer ball? Kick it around on the beach."

You know that

2011-12-24T11:27:00.001-08:00

and I know this.

You would be just as bad as me if people were following through. I'm stupid for thinking that this is someone you aren't, because it's someone you've always been and have hid from me.
Having a dick means you are going to be scummy, no matter how many acoustic guitar songs you write. You all just want that ass, and you don't care how it makes you sound.
Over it, and over thinking you were this awesome catch I'm missing out out now. You're just like everyone else, and I think I can move on now.

This is a monumental Christmas

2011-12-23T14:55:00.000-08:00

because it's the first time I can't wait for it to be over.
I don't have a tree or decorations this year. I've just been busy, stressed out, and sick. And also extremely over the whole holiday in general. I don't get it.

being in love

2011-12-21T01:43:00.001-08:00

it only sucks when YOU suck

2011-12-19T02:45:00.001-08:00

it's about how you've handled yourself, and how it isn't working anymore

the little mermaid

2011-12-18T00:26:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm really upset right now because I lost my voice. I can't hit half of the notes I used to be able to hit before I got bronchitis Halloween weekend. I never completely recovered, got sick again, and still haven't recovered from that. And now when I go to do something that was always easy and natural, I just physically can't. There is nothing more frustrating than this. It's like I have to retrain my voice all over again.
I know this is a lame post, but it's actually really upsetting. I thought that it would go away, but it's been two months now since I've been able to sing normally, and I'm starting to get depressed.

THIS BLOG

2011-12-17T23:12:00.001-08:00

is all about ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A PLUS BITCHESSSSS!!!

2011-12-17T12:44:00.000-08:00

So turns out if you don't study for anything until the day before and miss every other class, you can still get an A. I'm sorry, but I'm a freaking genius, people.

2011-12-16T20:32:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I'm just glad I caught myself before I proved anyone right. I am never here to confirm, I want only to disprove.
Everything.

woah

2011-12-15T01:37:00.001-08:00

writing that paper really sucked.

i used to think i was competitive

2011-12-14T14:42:00.000-08:00

But competition ain't my thing, and I don't like to fight for the guys I want.

now you flip the script, playa pleasth.

an anti-consumerism, jesus-freak christmas

2011-12-13T16:48:00.000-08:00

word up!

I AM

2011-12-13T16:12:00.001-08:00

GETTING AN A IN ART HISTORY.
BITCHES.

ON TO SPANISH!

2011-12-12T23:15:00.000-08:00

if you are a dumb crazy bitch who can't take a hint, maybe you should get a grip, stop doing drugs, and stop blaming everyone and everything but yourself for being a lazy unmotivated piece of shit. if you dropped the psycho, glenn close bullshit, people might not regret hooking up with you so much and might actually consider you someone worth being with.

ps: getting fucked up and forcing yourself upon someone doesn't make you guys an "item", it makes you desperate, pushy, and pathetic.

im probably going to fail

2011-12-12T19:47:00.001-08:00

my art history final.

im sorry, but this is way too much shit for one person to study for one fucking test.
i mean, seriously, kenney.

in other news

2011-12-11T11:18:00.001-08:00

last night was a lot of fun, and i should go to punk/metal shows more often, especially if there are going to be more girl frontmen of death metal bands.
whaaat??

officially over it

2011-12-11T11:16:00.001-08:00

and anyone who makes me have to question myself. you probably suck.

I also love being blessed with the clarity to see that the people I thought were cool actually aren't that cool, and it's good to know this now.

OFFICIALLY

2011-12-10T12:20:00.001-08:00

STUDYING!!!

Normally, I would never use the phrase "pray for me", but seriously guys. my study skills are so sub par that acing these finals would be completely out of my hands. i need a MARACUHL!!!

2011-12-10T11:56:00.001-08:00

im getting stressed feeling depressed my friends like me less and less as my life progressed the damaged was assessed and i'm a mess but at least i know it now so i can confess gun get my evil heart out up my chest i'm shore the shore of mind shore will be impressed even if i am the things that they detest i give in to sin when i am pressed when asked for effort i protest any righteousness i have has been suppressed into a hole that formed and then compressed
into a conscience i haven't accessed in years.

CURSE THIS BLOG

2011-12-09T23:05:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think this blog is what makes people start to hate me.

pussy

2011-12-09T13:38:00.000-08:00

boy, do i feel like a dummy.

having a vagina is a curse. end of story amen.

KAREN

2011-12-08T22:52:00.001-08:00

IS THE SHIT.
She cleaned my bedroom completely, and my bathroom.
Who does that? Freaks of nature do that.
I love my freaky roommates.

Thank god for my Art History classmates

2011-12-08T14:33:00.001-08:00

or I might actually have to deal with the consequences of my actions. And who actually does that these days?
Squares, that's who, and you're talking to a circle who NEVER accepts punishment or "life lessons". Especially involving my (completely free) education.
Besides, I got my buds to bail me out.

2011-12-08T09:16:00.001-08:00

Getting out of my warm bed has been proving to be extremely difficult.
Especially when I know my day won't be over until 10:30 tonight.

2011-12-07T18:16:00.000-08:00

the more closely a man resembles a pig, a dog, or both, the more attractive he becomes.

so let the stand off begin.

Two hundred and forty five dollars

2011-12-07T13:38:00.001-08:00

to get back the car.

Honestly, I have the worst judgement, and I really feel like my life is out of control. Everything bad keeps happening, and I don't know what to do.

I know this seems like a seemingly trivial thing to get upset about, but when you have no money, it's a big deal.
I just have to have faith and stay calm and be thankful I have the best friend anyone could have.

POW!

2011-12-07T12:25:00.001-08:00

i suck.

2011-12-07T02:27:00.000-08:00

i saw splintering wood like stakes,
keeping fingers and thighs pressed together.
i know better,
but i feel worse.
everything i see reminds me of flesh
and the way it sticks to my stomach
when you're pressed close,
when you sweat.
like lifting weights, i saw your muscles stretch.
arteries collapsed into salt
until nothing could be red anymore.
the last thing i felt was fear
the last thing i thought of was the sun.

MONDAY
the day i came home to pupils dilating into endless gaps of ink
where lines like dashes were pink behind my eyelids
when your beard began to grow,
because we are men--
no longer boys but
adults.

I could be a better person etc etc

2011-12-07T01:32:00.001-08:00

but the term "better", when applied to human being, is so contrived that I find it hard to acknowledge it as a kind of categorization at all.
There is never better or worse, only what's good and what isn't.
You're on my level now, bro. Deal with it.

FINALS NEXT WEEK

2011-12-06T16:40:00.000-08:00

School is almost over, and I'm actually pretty happy about it.

worst poem ever written

2011-12-05T23:13:00.000-08:00

to the tune of a verse from "needle in the hay" by elliott smith

"you stupid black
cut me some slack
it's been a few years.
so keep talking crap,
but we've cut you some slack
for the last twenty five."

can i just add that i am not solely responsible for this?

a list of things i think are not cool

2011-12-05T12:31:00.000-08:00

1) People's girlfriends
2) Thinking about someone when they're not there, i.e. missing someone.
3) Going to Spanish class
4) Running out of money and weed five days before payday.
5) That some of you people avidly read this blog but never comment.
6) Starting to like someone even when you know it's not going to amount to anything, and even if it did, you wouldn't want it to.
7) Still being in love with someone you aren't ready to be in love with.
8) Having two fifteen page study guides I have to review for my Art History final.
9) Getting two full days completely off from everything for the first time in months and spending them doing absolutely nothing.
10) Having to drive at least twenty-five minutes to get to anywhere I truly want or need to be.
11) That Sarah Q's do not grow on trees.

2011-12-05T01:12:00.001-08:00

i can't get that sound you make out of my head
i can't even figure out what's making it
no one else around even seems to be noticing
it's only small enough for me

weighing of souls

2011-12-04T23:19:00.000-08:00

Sarah's lists about me

2011-12-04T20:07:00.000-08:00

1) The "Boy/Girl" List
Specific things I have done/said divided up into a boy or girl column, in order to determine whether I'm more like a boy or a girl.
2) Anna's to-do and not to-do list
One thing has been crossed out, and it's only because it included "or make Sarah do it."
3) The "I'm Going to Stop Talking to Jesse" Tally
A record of how many times I've said I'm going to stop talking to Jesse.
4) The "Hate List"
The reasons I shouldn't get back together with Jesse.

NOTE: I do not necessarily condone the content of some of these lists, but I do find them really funny.

why'd you have to go and make speech so complicated?

2011-12-03T19:39:00.001-08:00

"you're trying to be persuasive, looks like informative to me."

of all the things to be thankful for

2011-12-03T19:33:00.001-08:00

it should be bacon cheeseburgers and cute boys in cute jackets/jeans.

also, my pieces of flair are NOT depressing. at all.

rough draft

2011-12-03T13:33:00.001-08:00

Final draft coming when I'm actually not sick anymore, which seems like it's never gonna happen.

Thank you Elliott Smith for letting me ruin another one of your songs.

Dexter 6.9

2011-12-02T13:02:00.001-08:00

So if Gellar's in here, then that means you're....
ooohhhhhh

Soul mates

2011-12-02T12:35:00.002-08:00

I often disregarded the idea of soul mates because how could we ever rest assured that we are ever going to meet them? How could we ever know where they are, who they are, or if we've already met them? Lately, though, I've realized that you don't always get to meet your soul mate. You can go your whole life without meeting your one true love. They're out there, but you'll never know. They might even be a fictional character.
In my case, I HAVE found my soul mate. I realize now that this is the only person who is meant for me, created by God as a MATE for my own SOUL. It's the one person in the whole world who could ever truly love and understand me, and the one person I could ever truly love and be loyal to.
Unfortunately, he is just an alter ego, and I will never get to be with him. But I'm thankful to know that there IS someone absolutely amazing out there for me, even if he will never be mine.

Thanks Charlie, for giving me hope that I will one day find someone kind of like you, but not my soul mate.

things i need to do while i'm a recluse

2011-12-02T12:01:00.003-08:00

1) Clean room.
2) Buy groceries.
3) Study for Art History final.
4) Study for New Testament final.
5) Write final paper for New Testament.

elliott smith

2011-12-02T03:20:00.001-08:00

the best little bastard to cover.

also

2011-12-01T22:39:00.002-08:00

I don't think I'm ever going to go to the cafeteria again because I've already been through high school and am getting kind of embarrassed about being the only person eating completely alone.

I really miss my P.I.C.

2011-12-01T22:28:00.001-08:00

back in the days where Sarah was actually fatter than me.

and can i just say

2011-12-01T00:02:00.002-08:00

that it was a huge mistake downloading every episode of are you afraid of the dark ever??

because i mean, really. some of these are just terrible.

okay some things

2011-11-30T23:04:00.004-08:00

1) Facebook-free zone.
2) Spilled gasoline all over myself, and it's not as refreshing as it sounds.
3) Found the best shirt we've ever sold at Hot Topic ever.

and can i just point out that i'm almost at fifteen pieces of flair?

Don't mind my heroin chic, it's all the rage.

4) Need to watch Dexter. This is getting serious.

first name wheelchair last name jimmy

2011-11-15T23:15:00.002-08:00

I say that I'm over you, but I always end up under you.

2011-11-11T13:45:00.003-08:00

I've been meaning to write a blog for sometime, but everything that starts to come out is negative.
I'm getting annoyed at how liberal I'm becoming. I lost the idea for a while of running off and being a hermit, but now I'm kind of going back to that. I think that's the best option for my future generations. And I'm falling behind in a lot of things. I had a week of drama and being sick, and it threw me off completely.
And this will sound weird maybe, but I think we're supposed to get fevers, because every time I come out of one, I feel as though I have a different mentality than I did when I went in it. Like it gives some kind of clarity. I feel like this one brought me back to reality.
Shit's fucked, and I'm a huge bitch. What an epiphany.

2011-11-04T13:22:00.001-07:00

Yes, it's 1:20, but some people call it 4:20.
Yes, I posted this to piss you off.

oh solo mio

2011-11-01T15:37:00.003-07:00

it's alright now come closer talk to me

there's a terrible reason buried down
wrecking itself
taking you with me

the more they was the more they were the more they wander from

2011-10-31T22:20:00.000-07:00

i just want everything to stop and let me disappear for a while.

another good one

2011-10-29T19:25:00.002-07:00

today was a day i had a fever.
i also have no plans for halloween, partially because i'm sick, and also because everything fell through. or the one plan i had, and then the one back up plan. oh, and then i had another back up plan, but then i didn't do that because of the very first reason i mention.

so this is my weekend and im just working and being sick.

Okay just ONE BLOG

2011-10-29T10:57:00.009-07:00

about it and I'm done.
Don't hook up with your friend's very recently exed boyfriend. I don't care if we never talk, I don't care if I haven't been over your new house. Now, I definitely will never do those things.
My feelings are so extremely hurt right now, and no one cares because "I chose this".
Well, you're an asshole if you can write off this decision of mine so easily. It just tells me what your intentions were from the start. It's all poor Jesse, he got dumped. No one cares AT ALL about how I feel, and how maybe I'm doing the right thing for both of us, and that maybe it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
It's so disrespectful and I can't believe how little someone can care. Especially after all that bullshit about saying she was on my side, and that in the end, I'm always her friend over Jesse.
I just really don't understand why anyone would do this because in the end, it's just really very mean.

2011-10-28T14:56:00.001-07:00

ADVICE TO ALL: Unless you want to get married, stop fucking around in your bullshit relationship. We all know you're just going to break up.

quote of the night

2011-10-24T22:56:00.003-07:00

"Don't hate the player, hate the game."
"I DO hate you!!!"

falls into place

2011-10-24T14:47:00.004-07:00

I would really like things to start going a little more smoothly. Life is requiring a bit too much action on my part, and I'm not used to it. I like going with the flow. I don't like having to step it up. I am all yin.

There are definitely some things that have been annoying me about people, especially guys. Now that I'm actually talking to them, I am starting to remember why I stopped.

2011-10-23T21:06:00.003-07:00

The people you know would probably laugh if they knew.

worst blog ever

2011-10-21T22:58:00.002-07:00

So not only does there have to be a congregation of college-aged Aryan men all hanging out in one place, but they all have to be wearing tight, white pants. DAMN YOU OHLONE BASEBALL TEAM!!!

2011-10-21T14:56:00.003-07:00

Going to work doesn't sound too good right now. Well, maybe it does in a way, but that way is not going to make my hangover any better.

Meeting Christian was awesome. I wish we got to hang out more. I knew I would like him because my nine year old self liked his ten year old self so much. There's much more truth in who we are as kids, and when you knew a person then, you also kinda know that some of those awesome parts don't just go away.

Now to figure out how to not die tonight.

some motivation

2011-10-19T20:41:00.002-07:00

So, when Sarah gets home, that's it. I'm actually going to make macaroni and cheese and study for art history. I might even study Spanish. I'm not going to drink anymore beer tonight. I'll watch my civil war documentary, and then when I'm done, I'm going to go to sleep. It's done. Things are changing around here.

This newborn feeling of inspiration has come from the fact that this is my 500th blog post, and I feel like it's a time when I should start getting serious about life.

Jesus Was a Badass

2011-10-18T18:53:00.006-07:00

by Anna Hobbs

key points:

1) hella funny comebacks to the Pharisees
2) he didn't come to bring peace but a sword
3) turned into The Hulk at the temple
4) stirred things up
5) hung out with prostitutes
6) showed people who's boss
7) was so unfazed by everybody's nonsense
8) screwed around on the Sabbath
9) stayed in the desert for days and didn't even eat
10) rolled AT LEAST seven deep wherever he went

Understanding the New Testament Essay Topic? CHECK AND MATE!!

the matrix

2011-10-18T13:07:00.001-07:00

I think that he would rather suffer anything than entertain these false notions and live in this miserable manner.

quote of the night

2011-10-17T23:02:00.001-07:00

"it's like your computer has some sort of beatles virus."

go homo

2011-10-17T01:11:00.000-07:00

I tried to sign into this blog and accidentally typed gohomoannakin

not the worst idea i've ever had

question

2011-10-16T12:06:00.002-07:00

Why hasn't Andrew W.K. been nominated to run for president yet, because I told everybody that he's the only person I'm going to vote for, and if they want me to vote, he's going to have to run.
Everything would be way more terrible but in the best way. He has some really good ideas.

99 problems but a lack of problems isn't one

2011-10-16T11:44:00.007-07:00

I woke up this morning so happy that I didn't have any alcohol withdrawal symptoms for once, and that maybe I could go about my day normally, and actually eat a full breakfast and maybe not feel so tired.
But then my hands started shaking again.

I'M THE BIGGEST LOSER ON THE BEACH.

2011-10-16T00:25:00.001-07:00

"You really shouldn't be so self-conscious of all your status updates. There's no rules on Facebook."

yes, sarah. there are totally rules on facebook.

2011-10-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

I can't tell if it feels good or bad to know I was never the only guilty one.

awww yeahhhh

2011-10-15T00:21:00.003-07:00

"General Grant habitually wears an expression as if he had determined to drive his head through a brick wall, and was about to do it."

Why does this cookie from Anderson's taste like weed? They're good but they're not THAT good, so maybe it's just me.

2011-10-14T23:17:00.004-07:00

The things I hate about myself are the things you also hate about me.

You can't even see yourself being with someone like me, so cut the shit. It's not nearly as dramatic for you as you're making it seem. It sure helps get the ladies though.

2011-10-14T13:35:00.002-07:00

I want to write a really awesome blog right now, but I can't, I have to take a shower.

Last night was another knight of nightsd. I can't believe how much random shit happened.

Good blog. More later, and I'll get into how horrible the San Mateo bridge smells when you're in the beginning stages of a hangover. I remember when I was a kid I asked my mom once that since people always wake up with a hangover, if you didn't sleep, would you not get a hangover? The answer to that is no. My mother's answer was, That would just make it even worse.

Ding ding ding we a winner. Thanks San Mateo bridge, for smelling like all kinds of shit.

2011-10-13T20:26:00.000-07:00

"Getting off the freeway sure makes you see how important love is."

dyke walk

2011-10-13T15:02:00.003-07:00

So I walk exactly like Meg Ryan, or at least, how I've seen her walk in the movies she's in with Tom Hanks. She walks super dorky.

2011-10-13T02:07:00.006-07:00

sometimes i have to fall to my knees. nothing will happen that isn't supposed to happen, so i won't continue to be so doubtful. there have been worse things, even in my life. when i think of the worst that could happen at this point or in the future, it's better than about a hundred points of my past.
faith is the simplest thing, but sometimes it is just so incomprehensible that i can't help but wonder how it can be expected of us at all. i don't know how i'm supposed to understand it fully, or trust it fully. i have so many physical senses that, despite what i know, everything is muddled. sometimes it's so good that it's painful, and i'm really happy that they exist. sometimes, i feel that if i didn't have faith, maybe things would be more simple, and decisions wouldn't always carry this weight of spirit, or depth of soul. sometimes i just don't want to know anymore.
but in the end, i'm always just thankful. i'm silly for worrying and almost unabashed in my naivety, and still, there is nothing but another chance for a good life and an infinite amount of backup plans.

props to the one who has literally thought about EVERYthing.

some things...

2011-10-12T12:37:00.002-07:00

1) I like my new place.
2) Not having a boyfriend is a good idea, but I really miss Jesse.
3) Sarah Q and Amy from China are the best roommates I could ever ask for.
4) Don't ever listen to anything I say.
5) Too many dicks on the dance floor.

I hate waking up when it's raining.

2011-10-11T09:25:00.002-07:00

I love waking up and looking like I got shit beat out of me because then everyone feels sorry for me and wants to be my friend.

limbless

2011-10-11T03:18:00.005-07:00

So I truly believe that the most correct things in life are the most painful. Like cutting off the arm that keeps stabbing people in the back. It hurts but you know it's THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
At this rate, I will be limbless, and the body count will still be unforgivable. I'm so apologetic, and yet I never change.
Oh, the humanity.

question

2011-10-10T16:13:00.004-07:00

Can wilted lettuce make you sick?

2011-10-08T15:06:00.002-07:00

No, Facebook, contrary to popular belief/face recognition/me always talking about being a Jew, I am not Jewish. Also, I'm not specifically inclined to date Jews, either.

The box o' stuff

2011-10-08T14:03:00.006-07:00

So the stereotypical box of stuff was hardly as dramatic as you would expect. It felt normal, appropriate, and not cliche in the least. I needed my stuff, so you know, I had to come get it. And it just made sense for him to put it in a box, so I could carry it all out the the car in one trip. There was nothing wrong with this box.
It was more the idea of him cleaning his room and gathering everything of mine that didn't belong there anymore. Everything of me that he had could fit into that box, and he had to put it all there himself, maybe thinking about how he wouldn't ever seen these things again, and I wouldn't have toothbrush behind the bathroom mirror anymore, or leave makeup powder in the sink or any underwear on the floor. I feel the pain of the symbolism now, even if it didn't hit me until I was driving home.

One day, we will destroy these hills

2011-10-05T15:54:00.002-07:00

I’d rather not think about losing the hills anymore, because they are of some significance to me. They almost hold a sort of symbolism, if you will. But for now, the way the sun hits the hills is perfect. I see it every day. It drenches the yellow grass completely, until it is a lake of pink or gold, or sometimes red. The sky behind it remains untouched, and it gives them a new dimension, a separate existence from the world around them. It’s comforting to know this is something that we didn’t create because it means it’s something that can’t have any flaws, something that won’t change, something that will always be there. At least, until they are gone.

2011-10-04T20:04:00.002-07:00

the rain on my car is a baptism.

so sue me

2011-10-03T15:55:00.004-07:00

if my weed is good and i still listen to death cab for cutie.

life in hayward officially rules. which half empty beer to drink first?

2011-09-14T15:24:00.005-07:00

There's a question inside me
that defiles beauty and hurts my feet.
I've challenged everything I've seen
to sink my teeth in skin I don't need.
I know all the words to the songs you sing.
They're all about girls and none of them are me

and when he moves, I know he's moving.
I find his thoughts when I am sleeping.

I know it's me, and when it comes
they'll hit the ground running, and we'll be the only ones
left alone with our burden
knowledge lost across an ocean.
There's this gift I've been given
a softer spot, a brighter vision

another scar of mine I deny
to watch your eyes flare when I cry.

I hate fighting for myself
because constant battles have never helped.
And I imagine he's not alone now
but we're by ourselves wherever I go now.
And if you can't leave, then I am leaving.
I'm not smart enough to change.

I feel heat where I don't wanna go.
It stays in my collar when it runs down my throat
and if the fever spreads
I pray to God I don't hurt you,
but your blood does become you.
It brings out the blue behind your eyes
and turns to wine when your faith dies.

He seems like a separate world
that all loses focus, and I don't want us to know
everyone we've been.
I used wood to build up my bones.
He lit the match that's keeping them warm.
I stake my claim before your eyes.
They probably know, but they'll tell you lies.
My bruised lips from when he'll kiss my mouth
while I'm asleep and living somewhere else
despite the men I don't have time for
because of boys I have to lie for.

I want my soul, and I want my heart
but they aren't speaking, and they're living apart
and when we hit the ground
I prayed to God it didn't hurt you.
There was blood, but it became you.

2011-07-11T01:25:00.001-07:00

You cum when I say I'm sorry.

2011-07-06T15:36:00.002-07:00

I am thankful for California weather, and I am thankful for summer. But I don't like the heat. It makes it impossible for someone without a car to go anywhere without getting dehydrated. Oh the harsh grip of mother nature! I intend to waste away into Oblivion.
The video game.

2011-07-02T23:33:00.001-07:00

Things I will never be invited to part five

2011-07-02T11:46:00.004-07:00

Failing at the Frameworks in this Variety Puzzle book. This is terrifying because these are my specialty.

There's a lot I want to write about except there's that barrier of discretion keeping me from pouring my guts out. I used to trample over this barrier all the time before. Unfortunately, I can't afford to do that now.

I never wanted anyone to think I was an asshole, but I think I made this sort of inevitable for myself. Seeing as I'm an asshole and all, it kind of makes it difficult to hide from the people who know you best. Only one person truly knows me who does not have my blood in his veins. And it feels like we have shared much more than blood. I don't know if this is good reason to stay together or not, because of how much we have shared. But I don't want to lose anything or give up on anything or be given up on. I'm just not sure if this is possible.

2011-07-02T00:08:00.003-07:00

School is less than two months away now! Yay!