The pain is in the contrast

I like to sit around and think about how guys never like me and how, when I'm 43, none of this will mean anything. See, the future is a funny thing, because it takes precendence over everything, except who we really want to fuck.

I like to wonder who wants to fuck me, and why they haven't yet. I hope they don't just want me because they see me, but because they think about it because they're thinking about me. It turns out that that's a lot to hope to achieve. I don't want to say men get the best of me, but psychology is a funny thing.

By psychology, I mean the way my brain works, and how getting him to kiss me feels as good as a 4.0 grade point average, and sometimes better. I blame myself and my general lack of priorites; I have no set goals, no attempted order of things. It's rare that I feel sorry, but I know just what they mean. It's rare a man would truly love a girl that came so easy.

And when you are around, I can never feel that pretty. We're surrounded by the girls you like, and none of them look like me. I wonder if it makes them better, and if it makes them better than me. If I was small and dark and quiet, maybe you'd be more forgiving. You make it seem like you're not ready, but I know just what you mean. You'd rather have them in your life than have a life with me. It's not that I feel lonely, I've just noticed I'm alone.

So now I like to sit around and think about how you never want to kiss me, and how my job drives me crazy, and how, when I'm thirty, you'll probably be married, and I'll be glad it's not to me, but I wish that you'd propose to me so I could say no in front of everybody, and maybe then I'd feel better.

He's only a mile away

but in his head he's nowhere near me, and I don't think he ever will be.

I just never could believe that you'd actually WANT to be without me.

Thank you

Thank you Sarah for letting me use your headphones.
Thank you Shock Top for your IPA.
Thank you Sylar for fixing my Fossil watch.
Thank your 4 am for not asking any questions.
Thank you Los Angeles for staying the fuuuckkk away from here.

I am addicted

to that new feeling

Whyyy am I not hungryyyyyy

Shit's crazy

and maybe you don't know me that well.

I WILL

do fun things by myself
get straight As
go to UCLA
find true love

and etc.

It really sucks when your ex-boyfriend serial hooks-up/flirts with girls who all look a lot like each other, but completely different from you.

I realized I need to start using this blog again

or I'm going to start going crazy. There are only so many things you can post on Facebook to talk shit or get attention. Some of our "statuses" should just be converted into blogs.

It's noon, and I think I'm ready for my beers. I'm going to play Skyrim until Jesse gets home, and then I will go to my own home where I belong.

Insecurity is strange because it comes and goes a lot. It isn't always this constant state of mind. And it changes from situation to situation, obviously. But what's strange is how the people who are supposed to love you make you feel the most self-conscious about everything. I miss my friends and the people who appreciate my dark side and soft spots. Contrary to popular belief, there are people out there who believe in me. Now I just have to work on making myself one of those people.
Because the truth is, I don't need you. It just feels like I do.