When he came up to the table, I took note of his tattoos. He had a scribble of an anchor on his right shoulder, and on the back of his calf was a ship poorly constructed of wood chips and withered sails. The web between his thumb and index finger said MOM, and two doves held a ribbon over his belly button with a birth date and what I assumed to be a death date of a person he never spoke of. It was all done poorly in crude, blue ink, and I assumed he was a navy man or a pirate.
His eye patch and pegged leg revealed to me it was the latter.
But, really, it was both.
He started out in the Navy after the Great War (although it's hard to choose, because all of the wars were excellent, everybody did great), but then turned to a life of plundering and pillaging after a long stay in the Philippines. After meeting the right people, he found work on an old, rickety ship, which, as I'm sure you've guessed, turned out to be a pirate ship. He rubbed shoulders with the gnarliest of the grimiest, whom he met at the bars in port towns all around the world, and he soon fell sweetly in love with wearing face masks and carrying torches and lighting houses on fire unbeknownst to the farming families or college students inside of them. He liked the authority his gold teeth and missing limbs gave him, as it granted him the ability to enter homes without calling first, eat legs of mutton, and fill his knapsack full of silver rings, golden goblets, and other miscellaneous treasure. And he could do it all at the same time.
He also couldn't refuse his new and sudden luck with women. Apparently, everybody loves a pirate, especially one who was the strong, silent type, as this man was. He got girls of all types, but they really were all the same. It wasn't until one night at the docks of a port in the northwest Persian Gulf when a woman would change his life for the first time. She was a prophetess, and she told a story of two children who would bring truth and justice to the world and rid all evil from mankind. She told him that he had the opportunity to change the world if he would only deliver the children to this one person who would be their mentor and lead them on the path to greatness. She gave him the exact coordinates of their location and said, "The fate of the world is up to you."
Being an unwavering believer in the supernatural, he took her words very seriously. However, to him, her message meant something different. While the man was superstitious, he was also, and always, very evil. He decided to take fate into his own hands. To him, it could only mean one thing: find these children and kill them.
So that's how he ended up at my small town in the countryside of Holland. I had seen him at the marketplace and approached him with the original intention of seeing if he had any poison for murderous reasons, cause he looked like the kind of guy who would sell toxins to total strangers in the town square. But before I could give him details, he said that he was looking for someone and told me openly what he had come to Holland for. I have that kind of face where I just seem easy to talk to, I guess. Well, the news was the stuff dreams were made out of. It was very good luck that of all the shady looking men in the surrounding Naardan area, I found the one who wanted to kill the same people I did! Money had been tight lately, and I was not really all that interested in feeding children whom I didn't even give birth to. He offered me money, more money than I had seen in a while, to hand over my step-children to him. I didn't want to talk about it in public, because most of the town knew me, so I arranged to meet him at a bar. It was the saddest bar in town, where everyone is so busy wallowing into their pints that they are unaware of conversations that could incriminate a woman when her two adorable step-kids went missing.
Lucky for me, our supreme court banned hypnosis.
He sat down at my table in a remote corner of the dark side of the room, where he explained the full story of the prophecy. He went on to say that he was really moving up the corporate ladder in the pirate world and would soon be a renowned captain. And with the right connections, he knew he was capable of taking over the world.
"Apparently, she wasn't a very good prophetess," he said, finishing his long (a little too long) story.
"Well, maybe not," I thought. "I mean, what if she knew this would happen all along by telling you?"
"Hey, maybe she's an evil prophetess!" he mused. "But really, can I kill your kids or what?'
"I would be more than happy to get rid of the children," I explained, "but I WOULD need to be compensated for my husband's sake."
"I assure you, lady, I am a very prominent and successful pirate," he said. "But I can only pay you in treasure. I don't really deal with too many transactions that involve...actual currency or anything."
"Okay, good. The other thing is that we have to make it look good. I don't want to be hanged because I did a guy a favor."
"Hmm, you're right." He pulled on his beard, which was braided, making me wonder if he actually took the time to do that himself. "Well, how old are they?"
"They're both eleven."
"Twins?'
"Ten months apart. Turns out that can be harmful to your health, which is why their mother is no longer with us."
"Alright, well, why don't we stage a kidnapping?"
"Not a bad idea," I nodded. "I don't really want to have to recreate the scene when I talk to the police, though. They always catch you in minute details, and I know I'd crack under the pressure."
"Oh, totally, I know what you mean," he said, taking his wallet out of its holster (he had a wallet holster next to his dagger holster). He put it down in front of him and said, using bunny quotes, "Why don't you 'lose them in the woods'? If you catch my drift."
"Go on..."
"Okay, see, you'll take them out to pick some fruit with you or something. Take them very deep into the woods, and just leave them there. I'll take care of the rest of the details."
"That I can do. I'm a great actress."
"I'll bet."
We worked out the details in a short matter of time. I would leave them exactly 1.7 miles directly east into the woods from the log pile in my front yard. It was to take place tomorrow at noon. Being the gentleman that I couldn't have guessed that he was, he took a couple of rubies out of his (very deep) wallet to pay for the buffalo wings.
So the next day, I woke up and took the kids out to chop wood. I gave them each a loaf of bread and told them to make it last all day, just to be nice about it and all. They looked at me silently, and put the bread in their pockets. It was harder than I thought, because they looked pretty cute, and kind of sad. But it was too late at that point, and the money was already mine, so I went through with it.
I started a fire for them at the designated area and took out my pocket watch. It was 11:55.
"Well, I'll be right back," I said with a stretch, trying to casually make my exit. "Gonna go pick some berries or something..." They glared at me silently.
"What's your problem?" I asked. "What are you staring at?"
"We know what you're doing," the boy stated simply. I felt heat spreading across my cheeks as my face flushed instantly.
"Uh...what are you talking about?" I asked, cautious of seeming guilty.
"Where's your basket?" he inquired sharply.
"Wh..what?'
"Your basket?"
I stared at him blankly.
"You know, for picking berries?"
Damn. I had forgotten a basket.
"Uhhh..umm...I was going to use my apron...?"
"Right," he said. "Look, my friend James was hiding in the bathrooms in that bar last night. He told me about the pirate coming to kill us."
"Your friend James is lying!" I shouted. "Wait, your friend James is twelve."
"So??
"So what was he doing in the bar?"
"He sneaks in every once in a while. He was in the bathroom because he had one two many Long Island iced teas, and apparently, you were there, too, and not in the best of company."
Busted. I tried explaining, but they just stared at me blankly.
"Does Dad know?" he asked finally.
"No," His expression lifted. "But I don't understand," I went on. "Why did you come out here with me if you knew what I was going to do?"
"We know about the prophecy, too," Gretel said. "Fate cannot be changed, so if this is ours, we have no say in the matter."
"Not to mention, we left a trail of breadcrumbs," Hansel added.
"But you're not fulfilling the prophecy by coming here!" I said angrily. "The prophetess was wrong! She couldn't foresee your death."
"You really think that fat old pirate is going to kill us?" she laughed. "Fate cannot be changed."
"Whatever. I have more faith in a pirate with a sword than a stupid dream. You're unwise if you don't think the same."
"I'm not afraid," Gretel said boldly. "God will protect us." Hansel sighed and rubbed his sinuses.
I couldn't help but laugh myself. "YEAH! Right! If you somehow escape the pirate, tell that one to the wolves. SEE ya!"
Part of me was relieved, and a part of me wasn't. But it was too late to think about any of that now.
I somehow found my way home before nightfall, and explained to my husband that I had been out looking for the children, etc. etc, that they were lost and we had to send people to search for them right away.
The neighborhood helped us look with their torches, which they had on reserve just for a mob-appropriate occasion such as this, but no one found the children, and there was no sign of any pirate-type presence. I wouldn't really expect him to leave one. I did, however, expect him to leave their bodies, but maybe he was a trophy kind of guy.
All I know is I didn't sleep that night. I guess a part of me was a little hopeful that they were still alive. Another part of me was feeling guilty because I knew that they weren't. But like I said, it was too late for any of that now. And if Gretel was right, and everything does happen for a reason, I was pretty much off the hook.
But I haven't been hungry since.
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