Rebel: Noun vs. Verb

I feel like my relationship with the devil is like a subconscious dependency. The farther away from him I get, the stronger his pull becomes. It’s almost flattering--he doesn’t want to let me go. It’s hard for me not to take it personally, as if he has some sort of critical investment in me.
Well, he does have a great investment in me, but it isn’t about me. I’m just his tool. Putting it that way makes the state of our relationship a little more clear. I am a person who doesn’t like tools. I can’t stand it when people fall into other people’s traps or are easily manipulated and mass produced. It’s funny because I am totally this way, just on a spiritual level, so maybe to me it isn’t that obvious. To realize that I’m a tool is to realize that I’m a conformist in ways that are under the radar to my shallow eye. Maybe I think for myself in the forms of self-expression, and my choices in life may have made me different because I am NOT a “good girl”, I am NOT moral, and I certainly don’t do the right thing. This all sounds extremely rebellious on paper, but in reality, isn’t that what everyone is doing? Don’t most people ultimately reject purity? Don’t most people blur the line between right and wrong? No, being a rebel consists of something a little more profound. It’s the ability to deny ourselves the gratification of doing what is easy to reap the benefits of doing what is right. It’s being consistent. It’s standing up for what we believe in even if everyone else thinks we’re crazy. It’s telling people exactly what we think. It’s giving up our positions of power to give up even more. It’s throwing away our blueprints of how we want things to be. Are any of us doing this? We’re probably not as far along as non-conformists as we think.
The biggest difference between someone real and someone fake is the ability to think about something deep on a level of absolutely sincerity--knowing for the sake of Wisdom, not for the sake of knowledge itself, and not being afraid to address this wisdom in front of everybody. I am openly not one of these people. I will never go so far as to say I am fake, but I hardly ever feel real. I guess I can go both ways with this. Sometimes, I compare myself to other people and see how absolutely unique from them I am--how I am separate because I acknowledge things they refuse to. And yet there are days when I see how forced and contrived everything I do is, all to somewhat resemble how natural everyone else seems. Here’s what I realized--I am nowhere close to alone in this.
Wisdom is having no need for a front. This is my goal. My goal is also to never be a tool.
It’s very hard to let go of everything you’ve been doing your whole life, even if you know those things are bad for you. “Bad” isn’t a term that can be objectively associated with everything, but let’s be honest. There are things that are right, and there are things that are wrong. In the end, we’ve always known what those things are. It’s not that the things we’re doing aren’t bad, it’s just that we no longer feel bad about it. A true rebel knows the difference.