i saw splintering wood like stakes,
keeping fingers and thighs pressed together.
i know better,
but i feel worse.
everything i see reminds me of flesh
and the way it sticks to my stomach
when you're pressed close,
when you sweat.
like lifting weights, i saw your muscles stretch.
arteries collapsed into salt
until nothing could be red anymore.
the last thing i felt was fear
the last thing i thought of was the sun.

MONDAY
the day i came home to pupils dilating into endless gaps of ink
where lines like dashes were pink behind my eyelids
when your beard began to grow,
because we are men--
no longer boys but
adults.