I wrote this to him after Mark Jackson was fired
Dear Stephen Curry,
I know you may still be mourning the loss of your coach and mentor, Mark Jackson. As someone who would blindly marry you and bear your oatmeal-colored children, I want you to know that I'm here to help.
Mark Jackson has been a huge asset to your career and undoubtedly played an important role in your success with the Warriors. I know he provided you with motivation and positive energy. He saw what you were capable of, and most of all, he believed in you. If I had to make some sort of analogy here, which is custom in letters like this, I'd say he was the soil that helped you bloom. You're like a...I don't know, a sunflower. Which isn't a half-bad comparison when you think about it because, like a sunflower, you'll continue to reach great heights, even without that specific Jackson brand fertilizer. And you may or may not kill everything else around you in the process. We'll see.
So now, I suggest you take this time (this is what we call a "mourning period") to remember the good times you had with Mark--whether it was a poolside afternoon or a late-night heart to heart with a bottle of wine, or a crazy weekend on a houseboat with lots of other NBA players who are, for the most part, really tall and mostly good-looking. And maybe these things never actually happened, and I'm simply listing the things that you and I have done in my dreams (and can do in the future, might I add), but I'm sure the two of you have shared similar experiences. At the least, you know that there's been a couple of passionate locker room pep talks to take with you wherever you go.
The good news is that it's not like he's dead, so you guys can still be friends. Unless, of course, Steve Kerr doesn't let you talk to him anymore, probably because he's jealous and wishes that the two of you shared a similar bond, and he knows that he can never replace Mark Jackson in your heart, and it becomes this ever-present seed of doubt that grows inside of him until he decides that he has to BECOME Mark Jackson, so he starts doing everything Mark Jackson used to do until eventually he gets fired because the franchise is like, Wait, I thought we already fired Mark Jackson!? Then you guys can be friends again (this is what we call a "self-correcting problem"), but it's probably gonna be a little weirder now that you started hanging out with the NEW coach, since Mark's feeling a little slighted and all, and although he's not gonna make you feel bad about it since that's just how he is, there's definitely some awkwardness there.
Anyway.
From this moment on, your team will be different. Hopefully the change will bring you even more success than you've already had. I want so badly for the team to do well, and I have faith that this will bring good things for you guys. Next year, you will be #1 in the Western conference, and Mark Jackson will deserve credit for building you guys up to make it that far. And if not, and you guys just start sucking--like, REALLY sucking, like before 2012 sucking, like 2007 never happened sucking--at least you aren't a huge asshole like Blake Griffin, that ugly crybaby ass bitch. Honestly, I just really hate that guy, and this has nothing to do with you, but I would love so much for him to wake up one day to discover that he's playing for the Cavaliers, and no one even mean tweets about him anymore, and not even Baron Davis will return his phone calls.
But yeah, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to hold, or some random mostly white girl to make out with indiscriminately, you can always find me on Facebook and other various social media outlets, such as your Facebook, or your Instagram, or your Twitter.
Your's truly,
Anna Marie Hobbs
P.S. Please continue to wear checkered three-piece suits with a flower on the lapel, except next time, I think it'd be real funny if it was a water-squirting flower, and you squirted people in the face with it.
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