I'm pretty sure Bruno Mars is Voldemort. If he ever comes anywhere near me, I think I'll throw up.

On another note, I got a tuberculosis test today, which involved a shot underneath the skin of my forearm.
Let me tell you, I realize now that I am a a little bitch.

I think I'm going to be sick. It's probably from all this candy and soda, but mostly it's because of the drama in my life.
I just want to write the word FUCK repeatedly, but I've already soiled this blog enough.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFCUCKRFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCUKFUCUJFKCUFUCUIFUCKFCUKFCUKFCUKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

EVERYBODY



ok so that was really immature.
FUCK@

Seriously, I just want to disappear. I wish I could live alone and never have to leave except to do the things I wanted to do, like school and libraries. Mostly sitting at my house with people who don't hate me.
I wish I could delete my existence in Florida. I would be a man in black, and no one would have remembered me after I had left.
PERFECT!

hey dudes

Three cheers for being an absolutely terrible person!
I could reference several past posts alluding to this very subject, of evil, succubi, etc., etc...
Anyways, food for thought. Nothing exists outside of God. I'm silly to pursue these other silly motives, but Lord forgive me when I stray. What this means is basically nothing lasts except what is true about God. Not that I'm claiming I know what that is (even if I do) but whatever it is, it's the only thing to base anything of value off of, and we'd really be very silly not to.
On a lesser scale (much, much, much lesser scale...), life without TV might be why I spend so much time on the internet. So my murder shows aren't all bad, are they? They keep me off this infernal thing where I constantly feel compelled to communicate with people I don't like. It's funny because I pay a cable bill, yet don't have cable in my room. This isn't working out.
LIFE isn't working out. Whoever thought you would ever have to hold another person's heart in your hands, that everything you would do would affect that person directly, including every lapse of judgement or every personality flaw? Whoever thought that someone would be so invested in you that your selfishness would cause them pain? Whoever thought that you could convince a person to devote their whole life to you even though you suck? People don't deserve the brutality of other people, and I don't deserve the sacredness of love. In this aspect of my life, I have a dick, and I piss all over everything.
Piss on it. With my dick that I have because I'm this huge asshole.
These are the times in my life where I'm like, okay, I know Jesus forgives me, but that obviously isn't a magic wand that makes me any less shitty. I really appreciate it and all, but Jesse still hates my guts so...yeah. Maybe you could team up with him. Or better yet, team up with me and get some reform started.

Lord knows I've blazed the best campaign trails this side of Northern California.

I always accidentally read too far ahead in my SparkNotes and find out some horrible twist of plot that would have been amazing to uncover on my own. Damn my infernal curiosity!

I miss the presence of animals. They make me feel so much better about life. They just love me, and I love them.

I wonder if things are actually going to change this time or if this is just something that is going to happen again and then it's back to the way things were. For once, I don't think I want that. I need to be by myself for a while.

I guess I don't know what love is. But I think I'm good off of it for now.

Desert Queen review

Desert Queen: The Extraordinary Life of Gertrude Bell: Adventurer, Adviser to Kings, Ally of Lawrence of Arabia by Janet Wallach

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


A random find at the local Goodwill, I had been meaning to read a biography when I saw this book. I wasn't quite sure how interested I would be in Gertrude Bell, but she ended up speaking me to me very clearly.

There are a lot of confusing things about Gertrude. While she rejected the common ideal of what the Victorian woman was supposed to be, at the same time she embraced her femininity and used it to her advantage throughout her political career. She also rallied against the suffrage movement, although later in life she had more complaints about the restrictions on her gender. She seemed to have a level head, but then at times would be vulnerable to her fits of romance and fancy. Although she was too naive and trusting at times, her womanly intuition was mostly spot on. She adopted the typical role of the Victorian woman, and her power was held mostly behind the scenes, out of limelight. Her politics were built on the relationships she had, which is a good message in any career choice. Build genuine friendships with as many people as possible because you never know.

Gertrude was amazing because her politics were always personal. She put so much of herself into the work she was doing, it was hard to separate her politics from her personality. To me, this can be ideal, but at the same time it can unravel a human being, as we see with Gertrude. As her political prominence begins to fade, her purpose in life became less and less clear for her. She had nothing outside of Iraq.

I love the imperfection in her. This book does well to portray her in the best light, but you can't help but notice the pervasiveness of her flaws. Stubborn, yet sometimes indecisive, easily depressed and never quite emotionally in touch with the world. Separate, snobbish, and often petty, Gertrude represented many negative stereotypes of a Victorian woman. However, the differences are much more noticeable.

I relate to Gertrude's quest to become a "Person", someone who matters. It's unfortunate because I don't think that feeling ever lasted for her. But if anyone was ever a Person in the Middle East, it was her.

In a time in my life where possible majors are taking up most of my thoughts, and days have been spent agonizing over every last class and career detail of each, this biography has inspired me to pursue an education in history and foreign language. The world out there is huge, and we actually can make a difference. It takes a certain ambition and strength of character, something Gertrude possessed like none other. It has inspired me to make my own mark in history and politics as an educated, passionate woman.

The writing style was literary, yet easy to follow. It gave personality and romance to the endless deserts and the seemingly hostile Middle East. This book brought my heart there and has inspired me to go. So much of our past is there, and much of our future as well. I have a clearer understanding of where Gertrude's passion for the place came from, and how its differences from the West is what makes it so compelling. Unfortunately, this book did little to restore my hope in the Middle East, as it is obvious to me that their struggles have existed for quite some time, and will for quite some time after. From an outsider's perspective, it seems like a petty feud, but for Iraqis, it is a matter of the Prophet and of honor and of history. This is not something that can be easily resolved. Gertrude's work was well-done, but it feels almost as if it were in vain. Everyone blames imperialism for Iraq's downfall, but the violently tribal Arabia was already destined for misfortune. It's funny how the most obvious theme in the history of politics is that, on a micro level, people change, but looking at the bigger picture, they never really did.



View all my reviews

some things

1) I feel so silly for not having been reading. It's really much better than anything on a screen. Unless I suppose that screen is a Kindle.
2) My life certainly feels a little emptier without LA Noire. The end was rip off, and I'm still completely pissed the total lack of closure. I felt, as well as the fact that it was a little over the top, yet at the same time...unsatisfying. I know there will probably be a sequel, but it just won't be the same for me. I'll still, however, play the shit out of it.
3) Carpal tunnel syndrome is getting a little out of control. Time to invest in a wrist brace or something?
4) Listography.com is now my new favorite thing. I would like to transfer all my blogs to there, but from the looks of it, people aren't really big listers. It's like it hasn't blown up yet? I don't know, but I'm absolutely in love and ready to make it a full-time blog. Yet I feel like if I were to blog, it would have to be here, because I just don't have the heart to abandon this. Lists are one thing, but an outpour of emotions, events, and daily insights are necessarily meant to be categorized and bulleted. Although, I'm doing it here, as I always have in these blogs.
5) I seriously can't wait for school to start. Two+ more months. Unfair. I have nothing interesting or worth achieving.

I'm going to have to reactivate my Facebook again pretty soon because I realized that without it, I simply have no interactions with my peers outside of business settings. I can't wait for school to start, even though last year was harder than I thought to meet people, although I have found Monica, whom I adore. More so she found me. In that case, I vow to be more outgoing and join more clubs and etc. I'm always the hand raiser and have an insight into every topic in class, but I don't think it necessarily speaks much about who I am as a non-intellectual, i.e. a loud, comical shit-talker, as lovable and compassionate as I am brazen and opinionated. No one gets to know me as I really am. The people who do either love me to death, or they either despise me in my entirety--I can only assume I must represent things they don't like. Sure, I talk openly about how much some of the things you like suck, and I get really loud when I'm having a conversation that I like, or sometimes I just have to comment on absolutely everything that I find relatively absurd. But at the same time, I feel like this is what makes me who I am--unabashed with a complete lack of grace, yet at the same time, totally forthcoming and admitting of my downfalls, happy to be here, honest, and brimming with love to a fault.
This may seem narcissistic, but it's almost a plea for understanding. I feel disliked by people, and I really feel it's only because they don't know anyone else like me. I'm almost retarded because I'm not a part of the modern idea of how people are supposed to be. Fuck it. Fuck it alllll. The people who appreciate this mentality are my friends. The people who don't can suck it because they'll never like me.
And that's how it is.

This blog is so old. I almost want to start fresh, but I don't have the heart to rid myself of this thing.

Life is much different for me than it was at the beginning of this blog. Here's some things that have changed:
I've been in a relationship for over two years
I live in California
I have a job
I go to school

Woop de woop nigga wut?

THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE

the i hate list

i hate dead people because they still talk shit.
i hate when adults wear braces. your crooked teeth would look better than your braces.
i hate this new generation of kids because they're all assholes and better at sports than me.
i hate men because they don't like you if you don't shave.
i hate women because they don't like you if you don't shave.
i hate toothbrushes because they aren't very good at cleaning bongs.
i hate the music on the radio and the fact that people don't know that music exists that isn't on the radio.
i hate the fact that early church officials may have added to Paul's letters.
i hate that video games aren't real.
i hate on call shifts.
i hate society because it doesn't even give us a chance.
i hate bruno mars.
i hate having to work retail in order to survive.
i hate the past and my former self.
i hate not having a car or even the money to maintain a car.
i hate fremont.
i hate pasco-hernando community college and most of the people that go/profess there.
i hate that my parents threw away a lot of my old things from when i was a kid when we moved to florida.
i hate lip pimples.
i hate men again because most of them will spend money on a prostitute or stripper in their lifetime.
i hate metal.
i hate green beans.
i hate that i don't get to do anything fun because i'm too broke.
i hate the internet, smartphones, and my stupid blog.

God's work is you.

You say that you would do twice, ten times, a hundred times, more than you did. But if you did ten thousand times ten thousand more than all men have done, what would that have been in the work of God? A mere nothing! God's work, like Himself, is infinite. God's work is you. Come to him, and be not a laborer but a son, and you will become a partner of the infinite God and of his world. In God's sight there is neither small nor great, there is only what is straight and what is crooked. Enter into the straight path of life and you will be with God and your work will be neither small nor great, it will be God's work. Remember that in heaven there is more joy over one sinner than over a hundred just persons. The world's work--all that you have neglected to do--has only shown you your sin, and you have repented. And when you repented you found the straight path. Go forward and follow it, and do not think of the past nor of what is great or small. All men are equal in God's sight! There is one God and one life!

--Old man, Walk in the Light While There is Light by Leo Tolstoy

I can see by reading my blog archives that I'm not the same person I used to be, even if I'm only judging this by the way that I write.
I gotsta get my swag back.

life sucks

without cable.
Some things...

1) I'm starting to feel a sense of unrest. I wish there was a job I could have right now that meant a lot to me. Unfortunately, I am uneducated, and this leaves me with few options outside of retail or food service.
2) This has led me to want to volunteer. At least I won't feel so useless.
3) Some people really get it. Some people just REALLY DON'T GET IT. It's clear that a lot of people aren't thinkers, and that it's not average to contemplate everything. You may say, wait, I'm thinking about things all the time! But it's the level on which you're thinking that might be different from what I'm talking about. Indulge in matters of the soul, it's good for you, like Raisin Brahms. It makes me think of Cher from Clueless, though. She was actually kind of a deep thinker...
4) Soon, I'll be in Florida visiting my family, and I can't wait to see little Jonah swishing his big butt.

25 Songs that Changed Everything

I've been meaning to do this for a while. I've compiled a list of songs that either changed the music I listened to or the way I felt/perceived things in general. Songs that saved me and songs that define me. No particular order.

1) To Be Alone with You by Sufjan Stevens
2) Dog by El Perro Del Mar
3) It's All Gonna Break by Broken Social Scene
4) Sadie by Joanna Newsom
5) Talk Show Host by Radiohead
6) Sender by Pinback
7) Jesus Christ by Brand New
8) Pachuca Sunrise by Minus the Bear
9) Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie
10) Dramamine by Modest Mouse
11) Tautou by Brand New
12) Haligh, Haligh, a Lie by Bright Eyes
13) Metal Heart by Cat Power
14) Candyland by CocoRosie
15) Here I Dreamt I Was an Architect by The Decemberists
16) Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap
17) The Sea and the Rhythm by Iron & Wine
18) Cat Faces by Ugly Casanova
19) I'll Believe in Anything by Wolf Parade
20) Cute Without the E by Taking Back Sunday
21) The Queen's Rebuke/The Crossing by The Decemberists
22) Seven Years (Acoustic) by Saosin
23) Everything by Lifehouse
24) Gold in the Air of Summer by Kings of Convenience
25) Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens

So here's what I say
about coming of ages
and the ends of beginnings of ends--
If it's true you will stop this,
and it's true I could stop this,
then I'll never give up again.

Anything important my life can be summed up in a moment. The clarifying moment, the first moment, the last moment, the fleeting instant, the brief glimpse. My foundation is made up of very, very small things. I don't remember most of them, but there are a few that stick with me.
The moment of truth. The sixty seconds in which I felt completely aware and at peace with reality.
The moment of deception. The sudden realization that everything I knew was a lie, and the life I had invested myself in was worth nothing.
The moment of value. I've walked the earth for years and feel like the things I have to show for it won't be worth much when I'm older.
The moment of cold water. The rush of a Pacific Ocean wave, and why I will never leave California.
The moment of love. The dip my stomach made, assuring me I would never get tired of the way things are.
The moment of life. The wave of understanding that I was extremely lucky to have still been alive.
The end moment. The pain that hit me when I knew everything needed to change in order for anything to be right.

Then there are the things that took me years for me to learn. There are things I am still learning. There are the things I will never learn. I will be so disappointed if it turns out that society really determined the person I became. I really hope I have more of a say in it than that.

I want a new life

Haven't written because I have nothing that great to say. Life reveals itself to be continuously false. I'm over it. Ready to move to the woods or the desert or the beach and just farm or something. I'd invite you, but I think I have to do this alone.

I have a lot to say

but I don't want to share it. At least, not certain parts. Going back and reading this blog, I've said a lot of stupid shit. I don't know who read it or if anyone cares. I'm not sure if I even care about most of what I've written.
Now I like the food court in the mall. It's the best way to be alone, because you actually aren't, even though you really are--you know, that sort of thing. People there are usually in groups. I like being in groups, but most of the time, it's with people I don't know. I think we probably look the same as these people do to me, so I wonder how many of them aren't really friends. When I think about the people who have friends, I think that they have probably been in the same place for a while. It makes me feel better.
I'm over people being shitty. I want to submerge myself. Be on the frontlines, like I had planned to do. To be frank, I want to follow my heart.
If you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about, I watched the Biography of Chris Farley last night and now I've got it all figured out.

HAPPY

People greatly underestimate confidence, like it's so easy to obtain or keep.
I'm so glad I feel it more often now. Thanks to God, life just isn't as scary. Nothing else matters but this.

wow i do not get ANYTHING.

Does anyone want to start a band of outsiders? We can also be IN a band, as well as being a band of outsiders. So band would serve a dual purpose when describing us. Then we can just gtfo of society forever, except coming back to see our moms and dogs. better yet, we would all take our dogs with us, but probably not our moms.
i really don't like that i get so jealous. i just don't know about all this anymore.

Life would be good if you could throw down $2200 on thigh high boots

Would I if I could? Imagine how many homeless people I could have bought jewelry from. I don't think so.

Rebel: Noun vs. Verb

I feel like my relationship with the devil is like a subconscious dependency. The farther away from him I get, the stronger his pull becomes. It’s almost flattering--he doesn’t want to let me go. It’s hard for me not to take it personally, as if he has some sort of critical investment in me.
Well, he does have a great investment in me, but it isn’t about me. I’m just his tool. Putting it that way makes the state of our relationship a little more clear. I am a person who doesn’t like tools. I can’t stand it when people fall into other people’s traps or are easily manipulated and mass produced. It’s funny because I am totally this way, just on a spiritual level, so maybe to me it isn’t that obvious. To realize that I’m a tool is to realize that I’m a conformist in ways that are under the radar to my shallow eye. Maybe I think for myself in the forms of self-expression, and my choices in life may have made me different because I am NOT a “good girl”, I am NOT moral, and I certainly don’t do the right thing. This all sounds extremely rebellious on paper, but in reality, isn’t that what everyone is doing? Don’t most people ultimately reject purity? Don’t most people blur the line between right and wrong? No, being a rebel consists of something a little more profound. It’s the ability to deny ourselves the gratification of doing what is easy to reap the benefits of doing what is right. It’s being consistent. It’s standing up for what we believe in even if everyone else thinks we’re crazy. It’s telling people exactly what we think. It’s giving up our positions of power to give up even more. It’s throwing away our blueprints of how we want things to be. Are any of us doing this? We’re probably not as far along as non-conformists as we think.
The biggest difference between someone real and someone fake is the ability to think about something deep on a level of absolutely sincerity--knowing for the sake of Wisdom, not for the sake of knowledge itself, and not being afraid to address this wisdom in front of everybody. I am openly not one of these people. I will never go so far as to say I am fake, but I hardly ever feel real. I guess I can go both ways with this. Sometimes, I compare myself to other people and see how absolutely unique from them I am--how I am separate because I acknowledge things they refuse to. And yet there are days when I see how forced and contrived everything I do is, all to somewhat resemble how natural everyone else seems. Here’s what I realized--I am nowhere close to alone in this.
Wisdom is having no need for a front. This is my goal. My goal is also to never be a tool.
It’s very hard to let go of everything you’ve been doing your whole life, even if you know those things are bad for you. “Bad” isn’t a term that can be objectively associated with everything, but let’s be honest. There are things that are right, and there are things that are wrong. In the end, we’ve always known what those things are. It’s not that the things we’re doing aren’t bad, it’s just that we no longer feel bad about it. A true rebel knows the difference.

2 corinthians 4:8-10

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

Lennel House

A convalescent home in Scotland for shell-shocked British soldiers of World War I.










Smithsonian Magazine!!!

2

“You know, normally I do really well in school. I’m not stupid. I just don’t care anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m never going to be what I want.”
“Is that why you cut your hair?”
“No. I cut my hair because I’m ugly,” he said again. “I just wanted everyone else to be able to see it.”
“Physically ugly? Or internally?”
“Completely.”

So a lot of people deserve to know the truth about themselves. I think that's something impossible. I don't think people know themselves until they're forty, and even then, everything's still up in the air. At any minute, you can become someone you convinced yourself you weren't. How easy it is to revert to past mentalities.
It's too bad that I feel like I am completely out of control. Otherwise, I'm unaware. Either way, every time my life falls apart, it's obvious that it's what I deserve. For those of you who think I'm nice, there's as many of you that think I'm a huge bitch. There are two of me and both are hungry, and I don't know which one to feed.

How to Disconnect Yourself Completely

1) Get inebriated, all the time
2) Focus on the physical pain
3) Stay busy
4) Deny everything
5) Bring other people down with you
6) Show no mercy
7) Give in
8) Just don't give a FUCK


Inspiring? Sensational? You bet.