if you are a dumb crazy bitch who can't take a hint, maybe you should get a grip, stop doing drugs, and stop blaming everyone and everything but yourself for being a lazy unmotivated piece of shit. if you dropped the psycho, glenn close bullshit, people might not regret hooking up with you so much and might actually consider you someone worth being with.

ps: getting fucked up and forcing yourself upon someone doesn't make you guys an "item", it makes you desperate, pushy, and pathetic.

officially over it

and anyone who makes me have to question myself. you probably suck.

I also love being blessed with the clarity to see that the people I thought were cool actually aren't that cool, and it's good to know this now.

Two hundred and forty five dollars

to get back the car.

Honestly, I have the worst judgement, and I really feel like my life is out of control. Everything bad keeps happening, and I don't know what to do.

I know this seems like a seemingly trivial thing to get upset about, but when you have no money, it's a big deal.
I just have to have faith and stay calm and be thankful I have the best friend anyone could have.

I'm going to have to reactivate my Facebook again pretty soon because I realized that without it, I simply have no interactions with my peers outside of business settings. I can't wait for school to start, even though last year was harder than I thought to meet people, although I have found Monica, whom I adore. More so she found me. In that case, I vow to be more outgoing and join more clubs and etc. I'm always the hand raiser and have an insight into every topic in class, but I don't think it necessarily speaks much about who I am as a non-intellectual, i.e. a loud, comical shit-talker, as lovable and compassionate as I am brazen and opinionated. No one gets to know me as I really am. The people who do either love me to death, or they either despise me in my entirety--I can only assume I must represent things they don't like. Sure, I talk openly about how much some of the things you like suck, and I get really loud when I'm having a conversation that I like, or sometimes I just have to comment on absolutely everything that I find relatively absurd. But at the same time, I feel like this is what makes me who I am--unabashed with a complete lack of grace, yet at the same time, totally forthcoming and admitting of my downfalls, happy to be here, honest, and brimming with love to a fault.
This may seem narcissistic, but it's almost a plea for understanding. I feel disliked by people, and I really feel it's only because they don't know anyone else like me. I'm almost retarded because I'm not a part of the modern idea of how people are supposed to be. Fuck it. Fuck it alllll. The people who appreciate this mentality are my friends. The people who don't can suck it because they'll never like me.
And that's how it is.

to write freely part one

I should be sleeping but I turned around instead. I thought I could make it on foot. My thighs start to ache with restlessness. I want to run and feel my soles slap against pavement and tar until the arches of my feet are ripped and ridged.
I think it's about time you came driving back now. I saw you stocked up on gas tanks and water bottles, so when are you leaving, just tell me, I only want to know, and I'm not going to try to stop you. If you go, I will watch you leave. I will pack a cooler and make a sandwich and knit a sweater. I am there with you when your exhaust pipe puffs its last gasp of Floridian air. But I hope you have to guts to follow through. It's an open road out there, and it stretches for miles and weeks at that, and time is something that disappears when your money runs out.
So I pressed my ear to the ground to hear the tires squeak against the gravel. I love the sound of leaving, when life is beginning again. I'm happy when the light is fading and when my skin looks pale because the stars are few under these orange streetlamps and smog.
This is what life is going to be like now. It's going to keep going, and it's not going to stop. With every year that goes by, I wonder how I made it this far. I don't think it's going to be this way forever but it's hard to believe that something is going to change when it never does. Now I know this drum will beat my heart to death.
The sky faded into an opaque eggshell white, and I watched the sun dip beneath the ground. I wondered how hot it gets under there. I saw the road stretch into sand and roll on its back, and the spine of the freeway was buzzing, letting go of everything it once held on to, because what does the road have to worry about, what should the road have to love? It can just keep going. I
And I wish I could keep going. I feel like this is a pitstop a resting place a hospice a vacation home I want to get out of here but no one cares. I want to live life continuously and fearlessly. And I want to believe that my life is all there is and that there is nothing to live for after I die. But I know the truth, and that's why I feel that I must change. I don't want to, though, that's the truth.
If I have to be completely honest here it's to say that nothing is ever going to be the same for me. I don't want to know anyone just like they don't want to know me. I don't care to know what you are really going to be like because i know it's something I won't like, possibly something horrible.
But maybe if I was getting hurt, my life would be more interesting. Maybe if you hit me, it would make me feel alive. I guess it's sick to say, but I like it when my heart is hurting in someone else's hands. At least then I can show someone and tell them I am not in control of this. Bad things are going to happen to me, and that's the way it's going to be forever. I think it should be a profession to feel sorry for oneself because I think we all do it so convincingly.
But then I think, what do we really have to be afraid of? What in life has been as good as this? I know I have had it worse, and although at times you are just like the others with the way you look at me, I can see what you really want and who you really are. Yes, I know my mouth is big, I talk so much, I talk too damn much, and I should keep my mouth shut if I ever know what's good for me, and I need to sit on my hands to stop twitching my feet and moving my wrists and cracking my knuckles because everyone is going to see, sooner or later, that I'm not as like them as they think. I don't know how I blend in with the rest of society when I know exactly what I stand for and that the way I act is the exact opposite.
It's getting kind of late. This is how I am, but that doesn't mean I can live with it. I wonder when the self absorption will stop and if we'll ever stop feeling sorry for ourselves, and if I will always have to apologize for wasting everybody's time.

Tao Okamoto

Perhaps the Japanese Agyness Deyn?

the lamest political cartoon i've ever seen

I have no friends.

And all the "friends" that I do have find me entirely expendable.
I hate this town SO MUCH, but the only person I can take it out on is myself. I need to stop caring about other people because all it has done is make me weak and stupid. Whenever I think I might be worth the effort, I am reminded harshly that next to nobody feels the same.
However, I am hoping soon that I will get a life. If I have to spend another 24 hours sitting around at home, I really think I'm going to blowtorch my fat ugly Jewish face off.

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up somewhere different

When I opened my eyes I saw bright white walls shining with hand painted oil from my palms and the soles of a man who feels harder than the rain, but softer than the pain that sinks into my hips when his rough fingertips
search my whole body to discover the bone.
He also feels like too much sun and makes my pupils dilate and red spread underneath my skin until my limbs are fresh with heat, and my heart stops keeping beat as it slows, sinks, and swells, to the dismay of my cells
who come in the millions, and yet feel quite alone.
My head hangs on my spine like a broken streetlight
while my skirt is flying upward like your wanton kite
I want to be the one girl that you want to treat right
and not just in case you might get cold at night.
There are days when the sky is the film in my eyes, and it's hard to believe that the world isn't changing when my heart is expanding every day. But sometimes these feelings, they only can taunt me, when I can't imagine the reasons you want me, and the way that I feel is too good to be real
so this must be a dream that we've made.
And for those two weeks, I was tobacco free. Now your lungs are expanding, and your muscles stretch beneath me, and your soul drips like water onto a fever as my head becomes bright and increasingly warm, but before the words I choke on finally form, you have figured it out, and now love kills all doubt.
You know what I am, and you still aren't afraid.

Half Blood Prince Countdown

You'll be happy to know, or maybe you won't care, that I've added a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince countdown to my blog. As you can see, we have 129 days left.
I was watching an awesome behind the scenes preview today. I was so excited, my eyes were watering. I felt like Nutty Madam

indestructable

In other news, why am I drinking caffeinated soda at three o clock in the morning??
Perhaps Ken can explain a few things about how machines don't need to sleep.

Literary Thought of the Day

some advice

Don't get involved in any way with a person who will totally freak out. It's a super unfortunate occurrence, although usually predictable. But sometimes it can catch you off guard in six text messages every thirty seconds.
Hey, sorry to put it on blast, baby, but it's on my mind because it's almost bordering on harassment. Now let's see how many "anonymous" comments I get telling me to jump off a cliff.
Also, I LOVE Chinese food. I'm not sure if it falls under any specific food group under than Delicious.

Nick Carter

Last night, or should I say this morning, Nick Carter was in my dream. It was old Nick Carter circa 1998 or so. And I was really excited, like, oh crap, look who it is.
So I thought I'd bring it back.
Don't you think it would be really cool to be in the Backstreet Boys' band? It looks like these guys are having a lot of fun:



The best part is AJ throwing his shirt and the fight to the death that begins to ensue.



Something about these are really disturbing. They look like little man slave puppets, and it's really creepy. I mean, they just get so tired, and the crowd would kill them with obsessive passion if they saw them on the streets.
This, I think, is much more appropriate, when BSB started to tone it down and try to get real serious. I had this VHS when I was younger, I got it from Burger King.





lol, he's trying so hard.

a big problem

I only had one thing on my mind today, and it wasn't roasted macadamia chicken breast.
And I'm not sure how to interpret that feeling of missing, or wanting. I just feel so much better knowing that I am home now because that makes me closer. But if I don't get to tonight, I won't get to tomorrow, and for once, that actually bothers me.
This all proves that my indecisiveness has gone past a normal point and has reached a level of insanity. I am left with no other conclusion than that I am schizophrenic or just terribly confused beyond most reconciliation available to me.
And parts of me are glad that I feel this way, but the reason it is a big problem is because I'm afraid I won't feel this way anymore in short period of time.
So I think it's best that I keep my mouth shut, but we all have learned by now how terrible I am at that.

why i have doubts about my generation

Something about my blogging habits: I don't post much for a couple days, then I post once or twice a day, and then I post HELLA in one day, and it's just nonstop. And the cycle repeats.
But you know, maybe my desire to write only comes in waves.

Anyways, on to what I wanted to say. This is going to be a series in sorts, because I don't really think it's polite to post EXTREMELY long blogs.
So part one in discussing my doubts about my generation, I just have to talk about myspace. I mean, I was lurking people's myspaces, as usual, and became a little bit flabbergasted at the amount of gay shit people put on them.
First, there are the girls. I mean, I can't say I hate it, because I love it, and I think it's awesome. But everything about most girls' myspaces just make me laugh.
These are a couple slogans and quotes from girls I know, or someone I know knows, or someone that someone knows knows, etc., around the country.
"She's got a smile on her face and a 'Fuck you' attitude, because from today on, she's living life for herself!"--South Bay, California
"100% BEAUTIFULL"--Berkley, California
"I am who I am. Your approval isn't needed!"--Des Plaines, Illinois
"I'm a celebrity in my hood. You just live in yours."--Campbell, CA
Okay, I just have to interject because it's just so funny that someone who lives in Campbell thinks they're in a "hood".
"You got a problem with me? Well, you can take that up to my big brother. I'm sure he'll fix the problem."--Crystal River, FL
and my personal favorite
"Pretty girls turn heads. My girls break necks!"--Spring Hill, FL
Definitely enjoyable quotes there. I can really relate to these people.
Also, every girl's myspace has a picture of Lil' Wayne on it SOMEWHERE I SWEAR. I don't understand WHY because he is probably one of the scariest looking people living on the planet today.
And apparently, a lot of girls label themselves "cunts" these days, which I'm not too sure is a good idea for our generation of blossoming young women soon to be OR ARE ALREADY moms.
You can probably find a Gucci or Chanel logo somewhere on the page...
Pictures of something the girl has deemed "artistic" in someway. You know, black and white, or a diagram of sorts. Or, you can take my sister, Sarah, for example, in her portrait of birds here she has in her about me.

so deep.

esurance commercials

Stupid San Francisco Green-Economy Hippie Company.
I hate those stupid commercials I could draw them myself.

BODY OVER MIND

Physical pain is something I definitely prefer to all other types of pain.
Physical pain distracts me long enough. I cherish my times of discomfort because it keeps my mind occupied.
So thank you, aching arms and blistered fingers, searing headaches and churning guts, bruised crevices and open sores, guitar strings and sharp corners, stainless steel and butane, sparking synapses and empty stomachs, and all tumors that have yet to be discovered, speak now or forever hold your peace. Because of you, I have not completely lost my mind. Being in constant pain has kept me in touch with reality.
Whichever naysayer is bold enough to disapprove of hypochondria obviously hasn't given it a shot, because it really works for me. Try it out. As they say, it's better to be sick than sorry.
And by sorry, I don't mean apologetic.

I'm starting to feel like maybe if I was openly crazy, people would get off my back. But since I appreciate societal standards and try to abide by them, I'm still expected to function with some level of normality. It seems like pulling the depressed card gets you out of jail free. I wish I could just tell everyone, hey, no, actually, I'm NOT going to do that because I'm a sociopath drug addict suffering from school age schizophrenia. Or maybe I can give the short version of how I hate everything about every aspect of my life, so fuck you.

Yes, I'm real mature for my age, I pay bills and do the shopping and shit. And by that I mean I lie in bed and play the Sims 2 and hope that my brain will start bleeding.

Loyal readers, I promise that one day, these blogs will start looking up. Until then, my room is a mess, I have two friends, no job, no money, no hobbies, I can't drive, and my curfew is 12 o clock until further notice

an assortment of good things

1) I need new guitar strings. I'm starting to get depressed about it.
2) Who wants to go to Miami in March? We will be seeing
-Death Cab
-Lucero
-Cold War Kids
-Snoop Dogg
but more importantly, Broken Social Scene. Which is really the only reason I want to go, but you know, I would go anywhere in this state for them if I was able.
3) Also, be on the look out for a music myspace coming from me and my associates. We're really punk.
4) Tough night last night for these people:







and one of my regular Circle K customers


5) I think I love every instrument ever created ever I am in love.
6) I love everybody. You're all beautiful.

still suave

so smooth.