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Nights are the hardest. During the day, I’m too distracted to think. But when everyone’s gone to bed and there’s nothing on TV, I lay awake for hours. I spend the day perfecting my normality, and when I’m alone, my mind destroys me.
I feel evil, and at the same time I feel good. My mind creates things that I know are not real. I lose my sense of self on a daily basis. My emotions and thoughts are magnified. And I get scared thinking all people are like me. Violent and crazy, but still functioning somehow. Still seemingly normal. And my reflection is odd. Everything is cracked. What am I even so sad about anymore? The way my life went, or that the way my life went made me crazy? Either way, it only makes me feel weak.
My history teacher asked me what the hell my problem was. He knows I’m smarter than my grades. He can tell by my essays. Why aren’t I ever in class? He wanted to know. Why can’t I just suck it up?
It’s because I know I’m sick, and I don’t want to do anything about it. It’s calmed down for now, but I’m not going back. I want it in me. It’s the only thing that proves that I’m real.

Lately it's been hard to know anything true about myself from where I'm standing. I'm too blinded by my innate bias, it's hard to see myself for who I really am. I wonder when I will. I know I justify a lot of things. I'm not sure if I ever truly know the core meaning of why I do things, or, if I do, if I'll ever admit to myself what they are. Sometimes I think I get the picture and then other times I find a perception I had of myself was so totally inaccurate that it completely changes my self image. WHAT? How did I not see that I was coming off this way, or that I was making seriously ridiculous choices, or not taking something seriously enough?
I say, fuck THAT shit! It's messed up we can't even notice when we're ruining our own lives. I'm so sick and tired of being ignorant, it's not even funny. I try to be in tune with things, but at the same time I allow myself to be dissuaded and blinded, let myself be convinced so I don't have to worry about what is morally right anymore. So I stick to what I do, and I stick to what's easy.
But I have goals and dreams, and hopefully they'll break up the monotony. It's hard to see anything awesome I want to do as reality, but I just have to work with my circumstances.

To stop the self-loathing

I have to keep telling myself
Everyone who doesn't like me sucks because there's nothing wrong with me. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me, anyway. If someone has a problem with me for being myself, it's probably their problem.
I'm making it a mantra.

If you're in jail

you more than likely broke the law.
Next time, maybe don't do that.

what to expect

Hi, I'm back, I've decided. Expect more updates, and I will answer your burning questions on sexuality, such as...

1) Does getting grossed out while watching same sex couples engage in physical affection make me a homophobe?
2) Does it make me gay if I like it?
3) Obama--secretly gay?

and many more.
What I'm trying to say is stay tuned.