Dude everybody was right

Eventually, you will just stop caring. Amazing! Magic everywhere, man.

5 things 2/19

God is this missing thing. In our society, he has become archaic in every sense of his being. A handful of decades ago, surprisingly, he existed fully and was not only accepted, but sought. Integrated and involved.
I feel like the whole concept of God has become a universal joke, and the people who aren't laughing are being laughed at, incessantly. Embarrassing themselves, so to speak.
I feel sorry that I feel alone in my belief, and I feel sorry that I feel mistrustful of others who believe. But this still leads me to be thankful.

Five things
1) Faith. Mine and others, derived from good will and pure love. God is good, and his grace is not lost upon me yet, and hopefully never will be.
2) Second guessing myself. It gets so exhausting to the point where I won't be able to do it anymore. And I can't wait for that moment :)
3) My youth. I notice as get older, everyone you know starts to die. And it must get to a point where you start wondering when your time will come. After you have a pretty thick stack of funeral programs, your own mortality must become all too apparent. It's when you start getting your affairs in order and start looking back on all the things you never did. I'm thankful that I have time for that yet.
4) My guitar. Honestly. I've had it for 11 years, it's been everywhere I've ever been, and it's truly become a limb. I would cry if I lost it. It's nice to feel that way about things sometimes.
5) That I live in a town where there is Pinback on the jukebox. Seriously.

It would just be nice to know that you care about me and wonder how I'm doing. But you don't care, and remembering that is helping me get through this

sufjan

Oh, God of Progress
have you degraded or forgot us?
Where have your laws gone?
I think about it now.

5 things 2/15

1) beer
2) Fallout New Vegas
3) having jobs
4) no school Monday
5) hehehe

what is it with girls

and needing closure?

And what is it with guys being freaking incapable of giving it to us?

5 things 2/12

Today was great!
1) My journalism class
2) Officially deciding I want to be a journalist
3) Getting drinks with Bret and Diego
4) Doing karaoke tonight
5) And again, that my Volvo still works.

I feel embarrassed to have ever thought that I could be myself around you when you were constantly judging me.

5 things 2/11

Speaking about life positively is helping me look at things differently. I still cry at least once a day, but it's definitely gotten better. Here's some things.
1) Whisper at Jolt N' Joe's
2) Sleeping with Chico
3) Mike, my super sexy banker
4) That my Volvo still works
5) Park it on Market. A dollar an hour for parking, yes please!!

It is not every man's fate to marry the woman who loves him best

5 things 2/10

This list making thing is hard. I don't enjoy the things i used to enjoy, and nothing makes me feel proud of or good about myself. I feel like I really, truly am worthless, especially now with Ryan telling me he was never proud to be my boyfriend and he never accepted me. Basically, he doesn't even like me as a person let alone a girlfriend. I don't know if anyone will.
So this is extremely forced, I'm just hoping it will help eventually.
1) Grape juice
2) Weed
3) Peter with his shirt off
4) Tina
5) Majoring in journalism

5 things 2/7

I read somewhere that something to help when you're down is to make daily lists of things that make you happy. Actually, I heard this from the mother of a Columbine victim on Oprah back in elementary school. But she read the notebook of her formally depressed, currently deceased daughter, and it kind of stuck with me.
Here's today's list of things that make me happy.
1) I didn't get raped tonight. Close call.
2) The Law and Order theme song. Every time.
3) Watching Girls with Tina.
4) Chico the Autistic Pitbull
5) The way I can smell the harbor before I even know I'm there.

The beach and the sun are things people come here for. I don't notice one damn beautiful thing even when I wake up to it every morning. I'm hoping for a new outlook. I think I need anti-depressants.

My body is failing me
thank God
finally.
I was beginning to think I was starving for nothing.

I am ashamed of only me.
I am this awful thing
the sticky tar instead of me
reminds me that this is where things come to die

Going to get my affairs in order. Comment if you want in on the will.

The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that I'm doing better, and you'll maybe miss me someday.