I feel you right here almost all of the time

I feel you right here almost all of the time.
It drops to my stomach like I'm swallowing rocks
and sits in piles until I can't get out of bed.
My gut's been heavy for almost a month.
Even when I'm with you, it's never enough.
You are a lie I like to tel,l
a vision only I can interpret, I say, "It makes sense to me."
The things that I imagine seem to be the natural progression
or how it's supposed to be.
But when I put it all on paper, I realize that I'm wrong
I guess I'm falling too fast, and I'm starting to see asphalt.
Cement flies towards me, and I think it has wings
It unfolds like a bed that's been waiting for me
Warm with a lover that's redder than summer
Burns like September, and I hope October
isn't as hot as the blood on the pavement
the flowers of iron the ground's promised to me.
But it feels good to know I was wrong.
It's a relief to cough up these stones.
Maybe I'll forget that any of this happened.
Maybe I will not remember these things

i think i have a heart murmur, because i can feel it. can you feel heart murmurs? well, i can feel mine.

you don't care a bit
no, no
you don't care a bit

body metaphors chapter 25

There's a question inside me
that defiles beauty and hurts my feet.
I've challenged everything I've seen
to sink my teeth in skin I don't need.
I know all the words to the songs you sing.
They're all about girls and none of them are me

and when he moves, I know he's moving.
I find his thoughts when I am sleeping.

I know it's me, and when it comes
they'll hit the ground running, and we'll be the only ones
left alone with our burden
knowledge lost across an ocean.
There's this gift I've been given
a softer spot, a brighter vision

I hate fighting war against myself
because endless battles have never helped.
And I imagine he's not alone now
but we're by ourselves wherever I go now.
And if you can't leave, I'll try to be brave.
I'm not smart enough to change.

I feel heat where I don't wanna go.
It stays in my collar when it runs down my throat, and if the fever spreads
I pray to God I don't hurt you,
but your blood does become you.
It brings out the blue behind your eyes
and turns to wine when your faith dies.

He seems like a separate world
that all loses focus, and I don't want him to know everyone I've been.

cause I've used wood to build up my bones.
and lit the match that's keeping them warm.
I stake my claim before your eyes.
They probably know, but they'll tell you lies.
My lips will bruise when he'll kiss my mouth
while I'm asleep and living somewhere else
despite the men I don't have time for
because of the boys I have to lie for.

I want my soul, and I want my heart
but they aren't speaking, and they're living apart, and when we hit the ground
I prayed to God it didn't hurt you.
But the blood was becoming of you

muddy waters and more similes

his adam apple feels like an engine, the kind i start up when i want to go some place better. his throat is warm and moves like a river when he breathes. i think i can feel the air push through. i think i can taste the light in you.
and because of him, i don't want to sleep. i say it to myself almost every night, i think
i feel this thick like mud like tar
sticky ink instead of blood that doesn't run or flow
but it holds to me, clings like hard rain, moves like oil, melts like wax

i wait so patiently for things to end
but instead it runs like streams, spreads like veins into everything
like hollow webs, it sticks to me
falling, i said i want to sink
backwards against parks and lakes and bedroom walls
i want you to turn me over in front of everyone
i want your salt like the breath on my neck or the mud on my chest
and i'm sure it's what you want

dead skin, blood sucking, dropping out of school
blaming complete lack of sobriety
on the fact that there is nothing when we've never really tried anything
to prove ourselves wrong
i guess i don't blame god
he's not the reason that everything's wrong
i can only blame me
and my complete lack of dexterity and grace under pressure
and every pathetic attempt at modesty
sometimes i don't even know what's happening to me
and why you'll never have to ask
and how cold my face feels pressed against glass
and why when i wake up everything morning, i never feel the same
or how everything is always different, but i never want to change
legs slick with soap scum
i feel this thick like layers like scars
more resin than the oldest trees
bruises like banana leaves
no matter how you judge me
we're all in this together

it's not like i really believe
i can be for you what you are to me
all i see is hope, and i have to watch it go, but i didn't deserve to think things could be this way

suddenly i wake up, and i feel stupid
my dreams are good but mean nothing when i'm lucid
it's just like choking, and i can only blame myself

i wake up drunk and i'm glad you're coming home
i touch your lungs and my fingers turn to stone
and in your eyes you said i'm better off dead
but in your arms, i think i knew what you meant

you had to think
you turned your head, and you thought it over
you watched me sink
you turned my head with your hands to get it over
and i was sick
i didn't drink but i had a hangover
you caught a glimpse
of what it's like if we never went home

it's either me and mine or just yours, and that's fine

like sinking ships

depth ain't supposed to be so quick
like sinking ships, bottomless pits, the sea don't get no deeper than this
blame my remiss
to write an ode, a poem, for a man's lips

what the thought is
is quite obvious
i thought i could reconcile a flaw that's flawless

and i'm supposed to feel bad, but i guess i don't
i gotta slim skeleton like wooden bones
and skin like sails on a pirate ship
or algae clinging to the masts i fixed
i resist
the way my lips push into yours like bike pedals
and muscles stretch tighter than they would for gold medals
the way you break my skin like it was rose petals
underneath the crush of flesh, all my blood settles

and after all the rush of cells, it ebbs away
and i watch the red rush out my face
i can feel the pulse that's keeping me awake
and even though i can't see it, i know you've staked your claim.