sufjan

Oh, God of Progress
have you degraded or forgot us?
Where have your laws gone?
I think about it now.

5 things 2/15

1) beer
2) Fallout New Vegas
3) having jobs
4) no school Monday
5) hehehe

what is it with girls

and needing closure?

And what is it with guys being freaking incapable of giving it to us?

5 things 2/12

Today was great!
1) My journalism class
2) Officially deciding I want to be a journalist
3) Getting drinks with Bret and Diego
4) Doing karaoke tonight
5) And again, that my Volvo still works.

I feel embarrassed to have ever thought that I could be myself around you when you were constantly judging me.

5 things 2/11

Speaking about life positively is helping me look at things differently. I still cry at least once a day, but it's definitely gotten better. Here's some things.
1) Whisper at Jolt N' Joe's
2) Sleeping with Chico
3) Mike, my super sexy banker
4) That my Volvo still works
5) Park it on Market. A dollar an hour for parking, yes please!!

It is not every man's fate to marry the woman who loves him best

5 things 2/10

This list making thing is hard. I don't enjoy the things i used to enjoy, and nothing makes me feel proud of or good about myself. I feel like I really, truly am worthless, especially now with Ryan telling me he was never proud to be my boyfriend and he never accepted me. Basically, he doesn't even like me as a person let alone a girlfriend. I don't know if anyone will.
So this is extremely forced, I'm just hoping it will help eventually.
1) Grape juice
2) Weed
3) Peter with his shirt off
4) Tina
5) Majoring in journalism

5 things 2/7

I read somewhere that something to help when you're down is to make daily lists of things that make you happy. Actually, I heard this from the mother of a Columbine victim on Oprah back in elementary school. But she read the notebook of her formally depressed, currently deceased daughter, and it kind of stuck with me.
Here's today's list of things that make me happy.
1) I didn't get raped tonight. Close call.
2) The Law and Order theme song. Every time.
3) Watching Girls with Tina.
4) Chico the Autistic Pitbull
5) The way I can smell the harbor before I even know I'm there.

The beach and the sun are things people come here for. I don't notice one damn beautiful thing even when I wake up to it every morning. I'm hoping for a new outlook. I think I need anti-depressants.

My body is failing me
thank God
finally.
I was beginning to think I was starving for nothing.

I am ashamed of only me.
I am this awful thing
the sticky tar instead of me
reminds me that this is where things come to die

Going to get my affairs in order. Comment if you want in on the will.

The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that I'm doing better, and you'll maybe miss me someday.

we live with woe

Please take me out of my body up through the palm trees
To smell California in sweet hypocrisy
floating
My senses surround my body,
I wake my nose to smell that ocean burn

It's so hard to sleep

when everything you know will be gone tomorrow!
Good thing I have my bffls.

give me one reason to stay here, and i'll turn right back around

I really hate my jealousy, it brings out a terrible side of me. I just want to know something, the truth about everything, I won't take your word for anything because of how I feel about you.

good ol tbs

so whats the point (so what's the point?)
so whats the point (so whats the point?)
i'm in your room
is this turning you on
am i turning you on?
i'm in your room.

I could care less

My fingers pull up sinews of roots that never started anything. It's my jungle of weeds, who are stronger than flowers and more desperate than grass. They stretch across my nerves like chloroplast veins. I can see right through them--they aren't parasites but simple, perfect forests that hold me to my word. They keep me warm, and they keep me close. Finally, I am deaf, and I am mute. Finally, I can see.

So I brought the band back to life, and we're shooting for Broadway this time, but they must learn to loosen up their own throats.
What good are their notes to me when my ears have been filled with leaves? I could care less.

I will leave, and it's for the best; he wouldn't know me silent.
I must thank God for his memory.
In his bloodstream roars a symphony.
In case he won't remember me, I've sent pictures of my larynx.

Moving

Is it out of sight, out of mind, or absence makes the heart grow fonder? I guess we'll have to find out. I can't wait for the relief of apathy, to no longer care which stupid girl you see or how much you marginalize me. It's cool, it's cool, we can still be friends.

Sometimes it feels really good to completely curtail my responsibilities, like ignoring my jury duty summons or not returning the school book I rented from the Ohlone College bookstore.
But then there's times where it feels really bad, like when I spend all my money or drink too much or never do my laundry or clean my room.

Nobody knows me like her
Nobody knows her like me
We're all we've got
And we don't want to be alone

Just is my favorite word
The most useful adverb, the most righteous adjective.
With it, everything makes sense.

I'm too drunk to sleep. That's the honest to God truth of things. You crawl to me on bloodied knee as if I could redeem you. You curse everything I am and stand for, yet you continue to torture me. You hate the smoke in my lungs, the beer on my tongue. At what point does it stop being my fault?

You have given me nothing,
but you have shown me everything.
I'll be hungover for Thanksgiving.
It's a wonderful life.

i imagine that you're with someone else
crystal is muddy, those kissing cherries
whatever it was shakespeare said about her


i am this terrible thing
it's this terrible truth
i look like hell until i put makeup on
everything hurts until i put you in my arm

weigh me down, hold me down to earth
make me light, take me away from this place.

I want to write so many things, but I know they'll just hurt somebody.

i'm angry that i feel alone. i can't sleep and fuck everyone for telling me that i should. they don't know that i shake at night, like how old people do, in a way where i feel like i'm sick. my skin is practically paper and my hands shake like bass lines beating against car trunks.
i'm angry that i have to wake up every morning, and fuck anyone who tries to make me.

i literally have to do everything in my power to not remind you that i'm still alive.
from this point on, you will never know, and you will never try again. they all say it's good, and i hope they all choke.

sometimes i think i'd rather be a business interest
a party machine
part of a county courthouse ring

why can't god just simply spare me
or at the very least, accept my apology?

how to love a robot that thinks that its a man

"Don't try.
This could never be worth it."
I said this to myself today, and this time it almost helped.
Maybe it's true that this is all because of me.
When things fall apart, it seems that I'm always guilty.

Well, most people know how I am by now, and if they don't, they'll find out soon enough.
Then they can choose to try and resist me or to hold on for dear life.
I suppose it's silly of me, then, to try to reconcile my behavior with what a man expects of me.
Maybe women are manipulative. Maybe they are crazy and control freaks, out of touch with reality. Maybe I am not different than what I am believed to be, although all I ever wanted was for someone to believe me.
But I never could tell the truth. Not to God, and not to you. Instead of letting go, I just move things to where I can no longer see them. I use the inside of my foot to slide everything under my bed. Sometimes it feels like it's all really gone. Sometimes I almost believe that it is.
So when I lay on my bed, my mess is beneath me. It feels quiet and empty, and it resounds throughout m whole body until I am convinced that I am alone, and that that's the universal truth of everything, so I can stop looking for it now.

Everyone dies alone, someone said. We are all born alone, and we all die alone.
I see now that this is a good thing. I don't ever want you to follow me, bringing with you all of my misery, all of your bricks of anger and suffering, the deserts of dirt that you pile on top of me.
I'm supposed to forgive you for ever feeling wronged by you. For never apologizing, for never feeling sorry. For being so much better than me, for saying that you loved me, for convincing me that someone dead could breathe.
Instead, all I can feel is this anger, an emotion that keeps me weak, a flaw that feeds you.
But how can I not be angry when you are an insult to the human being? You disrespect the potential of man. Cold intellect and mechanical logic will do little to save you from the pain of a life without love, a life without meaning. What is the point of a genius if he contributes nothing of value to anything? What could you possibly teach anybody? The only thing you've taught me is to always be wary, especially of the people who say that they love me. Where is your compassion? Your loyalty? Your strength? Have you no virtue?

Above all things, the human spirit survives. It thirsts for life, fights for life, dies for life. What have you ever fought for? What could you ever die for? You are a joke of evolution, an anomaly of natural selection, a mutation, a malignant growth.
Cells gone wrong.
You are cancerous, feeding off of everyone else and giving sickness in return. You suck the life out of living things, you smother joy and beauty, you pump disease into the veins of society.
It is an offense that you share the earth with life, with people who aspire, who hope, who achieve
that you breathe the same air as survivors, the tortured and abused who are still more alive than you
that you rub shoulders with soldiers, with fighters, people who sacrifice themselves for the people like you.
You make a mockery of true despair. You deserve nothing, and you've earned even less. How dare you judge me by my infirmities?

Again, in the end, I can only blame myself
I believed that a machine could turn into something else.

Noticing things

The clearest thing to me is that I don't notice anything anymore! Trying to stay in the present. I've been working on tracking my thoughts, and I'm always thinking of the past or the future, never enjoying today. Granted, today usually sucks, but maybe it's because I'm so worried about everything else.
I give in so easily to my impulses. I don't think this is always a bad thing. And I'm afraid now that I'm single again, I'll be back to my old maninizing ways. Oh well. It's better when you don't let anyone too close, at least with things being the way they are.
It's funny, really. The way life is lived in cycles. I don't know why we're still under the impression that time is this linear thing, or experience is linear, with concrete lessons and results. Things end and begin again, over and over. Sometimes all at the same time. Everything just comes back around. I don't know if this is liberating or immobilizing, but at least I know it's true.