Technically, I've felt alone for a while. Not in that desperate, what am I gonna do no one loves me sort of alone. But in that separate sort of alone where I can't seem to feel like I'm actually a part of anything. It's as if life has always been a spectator sport for me, and I spend the majority of it wondering what I'm going to do with mine. I see other people, and they seem so thick with resolve. I wouldn't say that I'm envious of them, but studious. Curious. I wonder quietly what lessons they've learned that I seem to have missed. What insights into themselves that they've discovered in order to explain it all.

What I think is the most exasperating is that I know at this moment in my mid-twenties with a couple tens of thousands of dollars, I could do a lot of "fulfilling" things. I could pick up a hobby, travel the world, throw down on a condo, take out a loan and start a business. I am overwhelmed by this prospect. People always say, "You can be whatever you want to be if you try." As if the battle is trying. Whoever knows what they want is truly happy. I know I could do anything, be anything, work hard for anything. But I don't WANT anything. I don't CARE about anything. When I sit down and think, if I had no ties, no expectations, and all the money in the world, what would I do? Understand that I'm hoping the answer will reveal to me what I'm passionate about. But if I could have anything, it would be to no longer feel the need for fulfillment. Honestly, why can't I just be fulfilled by sitting around watching the NBA draft with a beer or reading the New Yorker in bed for three hours straight? I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my talent anymore by opting out of what some would call more "fulfilling" life choices. I want to be talentless, in order to save myself for this ever looming concept of unrealized potential. As a matter of fact, I want to have zero potential! That way when I finally DO do something, it's because I want to, not because I owe it to myself, or to society, or because it's a waste not to do it. Is that so much to ask?

The greatest thing that San Diego has taught me so far is that confidence is all you need. Literally, for anything, ever. Believing in yourself isn't overrated. In this life of utter bullshit, it's really really REALLY reassuring to know that you're not entirely worthless and you do deserve all the good things that you want. You actually really do. So no worries in the end, I guess. I'm just going to pretend that I drink a vial of Felix Felicis every day. If I just go with the flow and stay positive and be real, this alleged "potential" of mine will not be wasted.

jane says

she knows
they all want her to go
but that's okay, she don't like them anyway

janes says
i'm going away to spain, gonna get my money saved
im gonna start tomorrow

can't trust a ho

never trust a ho

lock it up or let it go?

life ls like salt

my love is like being stranded at sea
you're surrounded by water with nothing to drink
i fight past the break just to dream of the shore
i run from the waves cause i'm waiting for more
i'm not always sure what my body is for
but you remind me.

there's water everywhere
it's in my lungs, and it's in my bed
it's 30 percent of the hair on my head
i'm holding my breath, and it's not fair

i've learned so much from you
it was stupid to be angry with you
but i can't blame myself for the fervor felt when i was someone else
and i can't blame you for not loving me

so now i'm back to skin and bones
feeling at home in a place that's not my home
i'm glad i've shed the weight of you
i'm thankful to not have you to answer to.

i'm hungry everyday now.
everything is all how it should be
i say it in my sleep now.

Sometimes making a bad decision is the best thing you can ever do

So thankful to have this weather and my friends!

Dude everybody was right

Eventually, you will just stop caring. Amazing! Magic everywhere, man.

5 things 2/19

God is this missing thing. In our society, he has become archaic in every sense of his being. A handful of decades ago, surprisingly, he existed fully and was not only accepted, but sought. Integrated and involved.
I feel like the whole concept of God has become a universal joke, and the people who aren't laughing are being laughed at, incessantly. Embarrassing themselves, so to speak.
I feel sorry that I feel alone in my belief, and I feel sorry that I feel mistrustful of others who believe. But this still leads me to be thankful.

Five things
1) Faith. Mine and others, derived from good will and pure love. God is good, and his grace is not lost upon me yet, and hopefully never will be.
2) Second guessing myself. It gets so exhausting to the point where I won't be able to do it anymore. And I can't wait for that moment :)
3) My youth. I notice as get older, everyone you know starts to die. And it must get to a point where you start wondering when your time will come. After you have a pretty thick stack of funeral programs, your own mortality must become all too apparent. It's when you start getting your affairs in order and start looking back on all the things you never did. I'm thankful that I have time for that yet.
4) My guitar. Honestly. I've had it for 11 years, it's been everywhere I've ever been, and it's truly become a limb. I would cry if I lost it. It's nice to feel that way about things sometimes.
5) That I live in a town where there is Pinback on the jukebox. Seriously.

It would just be nice to know that you care about me and wonder how I'm doing. But you don't care, and remembering that is helping me get through this

sufjan

Oh, God of Progress
have you degraded or forgot us?
Where have your laws gone?
I think about it now.

5 things 2/15

1) beer
2) Fallout New Vegas
3) having jobs
4) no school Monday
5) hehehe

what is it with girls

and needing closure?

And what is it with guys being freaking incapable of giving it to us?

5 things 2/12

Today was great!
1) My journalism class
2) Officially deciding I want to be a journalist
3) Getting drinks with Bret and Diego
4) Doing karaoke tonight
5) And again, that my Volvo still works.

I feel embarrassed to have ever thought that I could be myself around you when you were constantly judging me.

5 things 2/11

Speaking about life positively is helping me look at things differently. I still cry at least once a day, but it's definitely gotten better. Here's some things.
1) Whisper at Jolt N' Joe's
2) Sleeping with Chico
3) Mike, my super sexy banker
4) That my Volvo still works
5) Park it on Market. A dollar an hour for parking, yes please!!

It is not every man's fate to marry the woman who loves him best

5 things 2/10

This list making thing is hard. I don't enjoy the things i used to enjoy, and nothing makes me feel proud of or good about myself. I feel like I really, truly am worthless, especially now with Ryan telling me he was never proud to be my boyfriend and he never accepted me. Basically, he doesn't even like me as a person let alone a girlfriend. I don't know if anyone will.
So this is extremely forced, I'm just hoping it will help eventually.
1) Grape juice
2) Weed
3) Peter with his shirt off
4) Tina
5) Majoring in journalism

5 things 2/7

I read somewhere that something to help when you're down is to make daily lists of things that make you happy. Actually, I heard this from the mother of a Columbine victim on Oprah back in elementary school. But she read the notebook of her formally depressed, currently deceased daughter, and it kind of stuck with me.
Here's today's list of things that make me happy.
1) I didn't get raped tonight. Close call.
2) The Law and Order theme song. Every time.
3) Watching Girls with Tina.
4) Chico the Autistic Pitbull
5) The way I can smell the harbor before I even know I'm there.

The beach and the sun are things people come here for. I don't notice one damn beautiful thing even when I wake up to it every morning. I'm hoping for a new outlook. I think I need anti-depressants.

My body is failing me
thank God
finally.
I was beginning to think I was starving for nothing.

I am ashamed of only me.
I am this awful thing
the sticky tar instead of me
reminds me that this is where things come to die

Going to get my affairs in order. Comment if you want in on the will.

The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that I'm doing better, and you'll maybe miss me someday.

we live with woe

Please take me out of my body up through the palm trees
To smell California in sweet hypocrisy
floating
My senses surround my body,
I wake my nose to smell that ocean burn

It's so hard to sleep

when everything you know will be gone tomorrow!
Good thing I have my bffls.

give me one reason to stay here, and i'll turn right back around

I really hate my jealousy, it brings out a terrible side of me. I just want to know something, the truth about everything, I won't take your word for anything because of how I feel about you.

good ol tbs

so whats the point (so what's the point?)
so whats the point (so whats the point?)
i'm in your room
is this turning you on
am i turning you on?
i'm in your room.

I could care less

My fingers pull up sinews of roots that never started anything. It's my jungle of weeds, who are stronger than flowers and more desperate than grass. They stretch across my nerves like chloroplast veins. I can see right through them--they aren't parasites but simple, perfect forests that hold me to my word. They keep me warm, and they keep me close. Finally, I am deaf, and I am mute. Finally, I can see.

So I brought the band back to life, and we're shooting for Broadway this time, but they must learn to loosen up their own throats.
What good are their notes to me when my ears have been filled with leaves? I could care less.

I will leave, and it's for the best; he wouldn't know me silent.
I must thank God for his memory.
In his bloodstream roars a symphony.
In case he won't remember me, I've sent pictures of my larynx.

Moving

Is it out of sight, out of mind, or absence makes the heart grow fonder? I guess we'll have to find out. I can't wait for the relief of apathy, to no longer care which stupid girl you see or how much you marginalize me. It's cool, it's cool, we can still be friends.