Technically, I've felt alone for a while. Not in that desperate, what am I gonna do no one loves me sort of alone. But in that separate sort of alone where I can't seem to feel like I'm actually a part of anything. It's as if life has always been a spectator sport for me, and I spend the majority of it wondering what I'm going to do with mine. I see other people, and they seem so thick with resolve. I wouldn't say that I'm envious of them, but studious. Curious. I wonder quietly what lessons they've learned that I seem to have missed. What insights into themselves that they've discovered in order to explain it all.

What I think is the most exasperating is that I know at this moment in my mid-twenties with a couple tens of thousands of dollars, I could do a lot of "fulfilling" things. I could pick up a hobby, travel the world, throw down on a condo, take out a loan and start a business. I am overwhelmed by this prospect. People always say, "You can be whatever you want to be if you try." As if the battle is trying. Whoever knows what they want is truly happy. I know I could do anything, be anything, work hard for anything. But I don't WANT anything. I don't CARE about anything. When I sit down and think, if I had no ties, no expectations, and all the money in the world, what would I do? Understand that I'm hoping the answer will reveal to me what I'm passionate about. But if I could have anything, it would be to no longer feel the need for fulfillment. Honestly, why can't I just be fulfilled by sitting around watching the NBA draft with a beer or reading the New Yorker in bed for three hours straight? I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my talent anymore by opting out of what some would call more "fulfilling" life choices. I want to be talentless, in order to save myself for this ever looming concept of unrealized potential. As a matter of fact, I want to have zero potential! That way when I finally DO do something, it's because I want to, not because I owe it to myself, or to society, or because it's a waste not to do it. Is that so much to ask?

The greatest thing that San Diego has taught me so far is that confidence is all you need. Literally, for anything, ever. Believing in yourself isn't overrated. In this life of utter bullshit, it's really really REALLY reassuring to know that you're not entirely worthless and you do deserve all the good things that you want. You actually really do. So no worries in the end, I guess. I'm just going to pretend that I drink a vial of Felix Felicis every day. If I just go with the flow and stay positive and be real, this alleged "potential" of mine will not be wasted.