things i've learned among thieves

I don’t watch my weight, and the scale falls and rises. I’m not conscious of anything I put in my body. My indecisiveness becomes numbers that exist under my skin like the sun exists on earth. I’m still thin and not dead.
I hurt my legs and I can’t go anywhere. I focus on distance. Deepak said something about destinations but those don’t exist until I go somewhere.
Splinters poke my sides when I choose the road less traveled. My body takes the shape of people I vowed never to become, and the only way I recognize my face is because I’ve seen it before in the gaunt figures of the rooms they let me color in when I was seventeen. They were convinced it was therapeutic and it was great way of avoiding what really brought me there, and my bathroom had no shower curtain or mirror, and my bedroom had no door.
Also on the road less traveled I’ve noticed a lot of people don’t like me, and you’re not allowed to wear shoes and you‘re supposed to tell everyone how hard it was to get to the end and how much better you are because of it. But it’s hard to feel proud, because my success never would have come if it weren’t for my destruction.
I’m not going to say I don’t feel better when I come clean, but California mud is WARM and hides my face. I look like I was here before Manifest Destiny and waded in river beds to catch fish and painted my cheeks with the red clay you find here when you get to a secluded enough place that white men eventually forgot about it, along with fool’s gold and the small turtles no older than twenty years tops. In the clay there is sometimes sand and kelp if you are far enough west, but that same clay creates foundations of homes that you will build, and the beach will be your chain and the waves will be your whips, so it’s best to turn back now before you start feeling guilty because you give your family your P.O. Box instead of your home address and you don’t really miss them at all.
Lately the world has become see-through, and I feel like I’ve been playing chess my whole life because I know all the moves everyone will make before they make them, and I would prefer a little vulnerability and spontaneity on the part of humanity in general. I can’t expect it, but I would like to think there is a whole other level to the people I meet, although lately it’s been seeming like that’s just something I’ve convinced myself to believe.
As guilty as I feel on an everyday basis, there are some things I’m not sorry for. Like my voice or my realizations, or my only true cause. I’m not sorry for the things I believe, only the things I do. Eventually the unbalance will weigh heavy enough on my heart that the scale tips, and I’ll be left with a very big choice to make.
I feel like a lot of people should love me by now, but then I realize I don’t love a lot of people.

more tao

welcome to bubbletown

you fucking freaks

Matchbox 20 defined an era

what is it with Colin Meloy and watery graves?

regret nothing

forgiveness is supposed to spread my skin flush. leave me with a glow and some sort of rush. but i kick up dust where tar was supposed to be. i regret nothing i repeat it in my sleep


still i see the dead trees i once called my home, the burnt field that was green until i lit a match to it, the river water i filled with my own ink and would use to wipe the red off my palms. the effort that i put into doing everything wrong.
i regret nothing
not the pain i saw in other people's faces, the way it etched ribbons beneath their eyes. every broken limb i cut off, far away from the trunk because i didn't want it to grow back. every root that spread under dying soil, and how i refused to give it light. maybe a little water sometimes, enough to hope for life.

the cruelty of salvation, the crippled realization, the fact that i'm forgiven.
how i want to believe, how it makes no sense to me. oh lord to let me be
to simply accept my apology
and to ask that i forgive myself
for my own soul for my own health
means that what i have done is
permissible, acceptable
deserving of love, deserving of light
and worst of all, meant to be
determined by you
and chosen by me.
so excuse my audacity
when i don't want to know and i don't have the strength.
i am nowhere near worthy
but i can't walk away.

attempt two

Dior Spring 2010

Toni Garn

hi everybody

whats happening
I'm Question Mark and I'm wondering...

1) Have you ever considered the idea that the our precious and democratic American government is always lying to us? Well, I have, and let me tell you, it's not any sort of fun at all. Enjoy your hamburgers and roller coasters people of the United States.
WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
2) Couldn't it be possible that the Facebook captcha codes are really predicting the future? Today I got ghosting something. OOOH I'm scared of ghosts.
3) Who remembers this song?


But really all jokes aside America rules.

ALL I HAVE TO SAY

is that, yeah, you may hate defense attorneys, but really, they are just defending the American way and ensuring our Thomas Jefferson, etc.--given rights to a fair trial. It's a beautiful right, an amazing and specifically American right that we are so privileged to have. APPRECIATE IT! Everyone gets a fair trial, bitches. EVERYBODY. Defense attorneys are just doing what needs to and should be done. So maybe they defend horrible people. But really, they're doing it for the greater good of democracy. I would fight to the death for their right to be defense attorneys.
Okay, I mean, I would never ever BE a defense attorney and get serial killers out of a life sentence, but these people are atheists, so no moral discrepancies apply. HAHAHAyeah yeah just kidding

Humanity is really starting to get to me. I go through stages of apathy and disgust. First, I don't want anything to do with it, and I don't really care. Then, I want nothing to do with it, and I hate everybody!
It would be sweet if I could have a little compassion for people. Instead, people as a whole continue to disappoint me. But there are people as individuals who continue to surprise me.

Please tell me that this angst-ridden phase will pass!

hi everybody

is this outfit slutty to you?

aren't we all just

better of dead?

an inner circle classic

formspring.me

Where's the funniest place you've stashed your stash?

Haha, my MONEY stash, right? Well, once I wrapped it up in an umbrella. Never really stuck it down my pants, though, if that's what you're hinting at.

Ask me anything

And I'm glad you're not like us

and by us i mean everyone in the world that isn't you.

DO YOU GET THE MESSAGE YET???

I can't stand your religious meetings.
I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions.
I want nothing to do with your religion projects,
your pretentious slogans and goals.
I'm sick of your fund-raising schemes,
your public relations and image making.
I've had all I can take of your noisy ego-music.
When was the last time you sang to ME?
Do you know what I want?
I want justice
oceans of it.
I want fairness
rivers of it.
THAT'S what I want. That's ALL I want.
Amos 5:21-24--The Message

Some things you probably didn't know

1) Everyone's depressed, everyone's life sucks. What makes you so special?
2) Lil Wayne sucks.
3) Dimples don't make you nice.
4) Murderers are usually liars, too.
5) Jersey Shore isn't funny. America's Best Dance Crew, however, is funny.

I've been putting people of pedestals for too long now. Slowly, my opinions mirror the ones I hold in too high of esteem.

Watching a Snapped marathon. Some things never change. Happy Valentine's Day.

My timing's off, I can't hang, but this song is really cute.

I'm very supportive of this

pickleback.blogspot.com

Some things...

1) New poll up. You know what to do.
2) Please do not see any movie starring Amanda Sigfried or whatever her name is in these coming months. I say this only for your own welfare.
3) I work at New York and Company at the mall. I'm really, really excited to be out of food service. I kind of thought I might be stuck there forever.
4) I used to hate everything about the eighties/early nineties. That is, until I came to the realization that I'm wearing its clothing.
5) I'm not a fan of abortions, trust me on this one. But I mean, some people...just, really...shouldn't exist.
FOR EXAMPLE

...and all of his chubby black haired fans.
as well as

6) I believe this generation has completely forgotten about Columbo, or just has no idea who he is. Let me do you a little favor.

Probably the greatest show that ever existed.

OH and uh...
just one more thing

As a runner up for greatest show ever...


I just finished episode seven of season four. When I'm watching Dexter...I am at peace with the world. Everything falls into place.

why do i always feel like i have NOTHING

absolutely nothing.

im know this stems back to my relationship to God, but why create a world just for it to be so unfulfilling?
why create me...?

why?

seriously. WHYYY??

I GOT A JOB

HELL YEAH!

everything has made sense for a given amount of time

My life has always meant to mean something. Why can't I just let go of this stupid idea of meaning? I don't really know anything so I don't see why I have to continue on this false path of knowledge. My ignorance keeps me afloat, keeps me in touch with the world around me.
I watched the life fall from my own eyes. I saw the voice leave from my throat in heavy waves, I saw the soul rise from my chest like ghosts, I felt the breath leave my lips like the lies that cling to my bones when I'm around other human beings. What do these people mean? Nothing. I could watch one of their lives fade before my eyes, and I would feel nothing.
My own apathy and distance only neutralizes me. I no longer become afraid when I realize my life is in danger. Instead, I see a challenge, a meaningless threat, a stupid dare. Whoever thinks they can kill me, whoever thinks they can destroy what I have, has never aimed very high, has never really fought for anything worth dying for.

The last time I looked at myself I noticed extremely simple things, like the unevenness of my complexion or the depth of my eye sockets, or the heaviness of the smoke that continues to linger in my throat long after I've fallen asleep, and I swear that it seeps out of the corners of my mouth before I can catch it or even know it exists. Now I see things that are more complex, like how I wake up to nothing every day. Like how I wake up to white washed walls and thick slats of sunlight that only remind me of how hard it is for me to enjoy a beautiful day. I watch the way it fades off of my wall, the way the white is drenched in yellow and how soft it can feel if only I could allow myself embrace its warmth.
I refuse to go outside. I refuse for the sun to paint me in beauty that I don't deserve, refuse to allow my soul to exist.
If God wanted this life for me, he didn't want me to know why. God doesn't want me to know anything, at least, that's the conclusion I've come to. To be in the dark is to be blind to any bias or goal. Instead, I choose to live because I have no choice. To be given a chance is to be given life, and that I do not deserve. None of us deserve the breath that fills or lungs and passes through our lips. None of us deserve the little nuances of consciousness we hold so dear.
I wish I could forgive everyone. I wish I could tell them, despite everything they've done, that it's okay. I also wish I could go to all the people who destroyed my life and tell them that it's all their fault.
But I can't, because I know it's my fault. That's why I don't blame anybody. That's why, when people tell me that I need to face my demons, I only see myself. And this is the same self that they go to extreme measures to convince me is beautiful. Which only tells me that these stupid doctorate degrees have no idea what the fuck they're talking about or who the fuck they're dealing with.
Why can't these people just tell me to accept my own evil? Why can't they just tell me to move on and away from it? Why are they so convinced that all my problems have stemmed from something else?
What if it's just ME?

okay i changed it again
sometimes change is good, because i'm not doing it again.

As you can see

I changed the template.
Do you like the old or new one better?

I think about your lips, and how they sunk into my mine like ships, and how the beating of these oceans make these rivers of our veins. I can't pretend that my eyes don't shed the same salt you have spilled into me, and my gut has become solid and empty, and I know it's different now. And my life is nothing like how it was before you came, and there's no way this can leave when I feel it everyday.
I know that I am still alive, but I can't feel the pulse that I used to take for granted. I know that the tips of my fingers have no nerve endings anymore, but I used to feel them harden above your throat. And when I lay, I can't pretend that my mind doesn't wander to things I acknowledge only in diaries and therapy sessions and to liquor bottles and people who wish they never knew. I know that I can't throw for shit. I know I can't understand, I know I can't hold my breath for very long, and I know I can't pretend anymore.
This is how I've faced a lot of things lately this is how I deal with it now.

beg (shane and shane)

here i am
one more day of not loving him the way he asks
in fact, my heart is singing praises to the things that make me feel alright

so i’m sinking fast like a stone heart should
and on the way down, i’ve done what i could
to try and try to turn this stone to flesh

i’m haunted by my God
who has the right to ask me
what, by the nature of my rebellion, i cannot give.

so i beg for you to move
i beg for you to move
i beg for you to break through

so here i am
got my deeds for the day
all my cute little words about how i am saved
am i saved?

could i love you with my mouth like a church kid should
at the end of the day, my words get burned as wood
oh
but i was good.

i’m haunted by my God
who has the right to ask me
what, by the nature of my rebellion, i cannot give.


these songs are noise in your ears
a clanging drum
you want my love



yes
this is about
GOD!!!!!!!!1

I see only what you see, face what you face, be who you want to be

The truth is you're the weak, and I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd.