colossal signs so i got lost

stupid for surviving
we must have been
stupid for serving what we thought i was.

swollen behind the wall,
i watched through the hole.
i envied the horses,
and all the king's men
couldn't put me back together again.

we were meant to mess this up.
we were planning it from the start
we must have been.
we looked at ourselves and knew
we would blame the other
for why we couldn't love each other.

but i can't shake this look i saw
i've been waiting, i can wait, i will wait some more.

trying so hard

to keep hating Max Bemis but it's so hard when you really really like him.

STOP BEING IN LOVE, STUPID!!!

alone in this one

i won't give up, but i won't try harder
when i can be the land and still be the water.
i can crash your boat, i can stop your waves
and i can taste your salt when it's been gone for days.

and i left this place without knowing shame
but i know it now
yeah, i know it now

It's funny that the things that really don't matter much are the things I care about, and the things that really do matter aren't.

Thank you, Game of Thrones

For another night of suicide prevention.

Quote of the Night

"It's funny that old people put make-up on."

To do

1) Finish laundry 2) Clean room 3) Finish paper 4) Get drunk 5) Forget about to-do list.

The pain is in the contrast

I like to sit around and think about how guys never like me and how, when I'm 43, none of this will mean anything. See, the future is a funny thing, because it takes precendence over everything, except who we really want to fuck.

I like to wonder who wants to fuck me, and why they haven't yet. I hope they don't just want me because they see me, but because they think about it because they're thinking about me. It turns out that that's a lot to hope to achieve. I don't want to say men get the best of me, but psychology is a funny thing.

By psychology, I mean the way my brain works, and how getting him to kiss me feels as good as a 4.0 grade point average, and sometimes better. I blame myself and my general lack of priorites; I have no set goals, no attempted order of things. It's rare that I feel sorry, but I know just what they mean. It's rare a man would truly love a girl that came so easy.

And when you are around, I can never feel that pretty. We're surrounded by the girls you like, and none of them look like me. I wonder if it makes them better, and if it makes them better than me. If I was small and dark and quiet, maybe you'd be more forgiving. You make it seem like you're not ready, but I know just what you mean. You'd rather have them in your life than have a life with me. It's not that I feel lonely, I've just noticed I'm alone.

So now I like to sit around and think about how you never want to kiss me, and how my job drives me crazy, and how, when I'm thirty, you'll probably be married, and I'll be glad it's not to me, but I wish that you'd propose to me so I could say no in front of everybody, and maybe then I'd feel better.

He's only a mile away

but in his head he's nowhere near me, and I don't think he ever will be.

I just never could believe that you'd actually WANT to be without me.

Thank you

Thank you Sarah for letting me use your headphones.
Thank you Shock Top for your IPA.
Thank you Sylar for fixing my Fossil watch.
Thank your 4 am for not asking any questions.
Thank you Los Angeles for staying the fuuuckkk away from here.

I am addicted

to that new feeling

Whyyy am I not hungryyyyyy

Shit's crazy

and maybe you don't know me that well.

I WILL

do fun things by myself
get straight As
go to UCLA
find true love

and etc.

It really sucks when your ex-boyfriend serial hooks-up/flirts with girls who all look a lot like each other, but completely different from you.

I realized I need to start using this blog again

or I'm going to start going crazy. There are only so many things you can post on Facebook to talk shit or get attention. Some of our "statuses" should just be converted into blogs.

It's noon, and I think I'm ready for my beers. I'm going to play Skyrim until Jesse gets home, and then I will go to my own home where I belong.

Insecurity is strange because it comes and goes a lot. It isn't always this constant state of mind. And it changes from situation to situation, obviously. But what's strange is how the people who are supposed to love you make you feel the most self-conscious about everything. I miss my friends and the people who appreciate my dark side and soft spots. Contrary to popular belief, there are people out there who believe in me. Now I just have to work on making myself one of those people.
Because the truth is, I don't need you. It just feels like I do.

Not going to Coachella

Ever.

Peer Reviews

For every draft I write, I have to read the papers of two students in my class (anonymously). Needless to say, they are always terrible. I seriously go so in depth with my editing, it's not even funny, and it's mostly because I can't understand what any of these people are actually even saying, and also because I want my teacher to see how smart I am. Another reason is just because their horrible writing is such an affront to the English language, I can't help but get defensive.
Eventually, I get my essay back, peer reviewed, and this is when I really start to get pissed off. It's like, I'm sorry, I just can't take your advice, especially when, even in your peer review, you can't help but add "-ing" to the end of every single verb you use, whether it's currently happening or not. Also, not only can they not write essays, they can't read them, either.
ALSO: When I'm talking about how women are portrayed in the media, and you try to tell me that pornography is not a form of media, and you argue with me by saying, and I quote, "it does not mean that these women on TV really shows empowering, its only their acting role" you are probably FUCKING SEXIST!!!!!!!!!1111

womanizuh

i never was one to overachieve.
the best of both worlds weren't both meant for me.

you have no idea how many poems i need to write

i've never felt a love that didn't make me grateful
and i never knew that pain could make me thankful
and i never thought that what i did was shameful
but i think this would be the perfect time.

and i've never felt a love that made me feel stupid
and i never knew that pain could make you lucid
and i never believed that humanity was putrid
but I think this would be the perfect time.

and i've never felt a love that was so spiteful
and i never knew that pain was so insightful
and i never thought that i could be so prideful
but i think this would be the perfect time.

and i've never felt a love that changed me into anything
and i never knew the end would a wedding ring
and i never really could blame myself for anything
but i think this would be the perfect time.

whhyyyy

omg whyyyy
i hate myself!!!

quote of the month

"This is, first of all, why I want to commit suicide. Second of all, it's why I never want to be in relationships...there's no integrity, no beauty!"

you know what i think should happen?

more guidebooks.

like...
how not to ask stupid questions
or
how to keep your mouth shut
or
how to wear a belt
or
10 ways to at least appear considerate.

seriously, 2012. smh.

days like today

Today is a day that I felt really stupid on multiple occasions. Actually, I guess this feeling started yesterday. I think I'm a little confused on what my place is. I'm just tired of being myself and then feeling stupid for feeling comfortable enough to open up like that. Every time I do and act exactly how I want to, I regret it. If I have something I want to say that might not go over too well, I should just keep it to myself. I'm just tired of the awkwardness that follows speaking my mind, in every situation in my life.

Valentine's Day

Sometimes I try to make myself feel better about all of this by reminding myself of all the people I used to care about and don't anymore. Really, though, that makes it about ten times worse. The truth is that I don't want to stop caring, and every time that something we used to have is pushed farther and farther away, the more afraid I get. I spend so much time pushing the thought of "It's really over" out of my head.
But it's really over, and it seems like the worst thing in the world. And knowing that one day, this won't feel like the worst thing in the world is what is making this more painful. I don't want to believe there will be a day that I don't care about him anymore.
It's impossible for me to let that happen.

I miss

Steven's Creek Market and Liquor
Steak and Shake
smoking blunts without getting a sore throat
Jonah
my voice
sleeping
the stairs on McClellan
talking to you
and especially, sand in my shoes :(