I am thankful for California weather, and I am thankful for summer. But I don't like the heat. It makes it impossible for someone without a car to go anywhere without getting dehydrated. Oh the harsh grip of mother nature! I intend to waste away into Oblivion.
The video game.

Things I will never be invited to part five

Failing at the Frameworks in this Variety Puzzle book. This is terrifying because these are my specialty.

There's a lot I want to write about except there's that barrier of discretion keeping me from pouring my guts out. I used to trample over this barrier all the time before. Unfortunately, I can't afford to do that now.

I never wanted anyone to think I was an asshole, but I think I made this sort of inevitable for myself. Seeing as I'm an asshole and all, it kind of makes it difficult to hide from the people who know you best. Only one person truly knows me who does not have my blood in his veins. And it feels like we have shared much more than blood. I don't know if this is good reason to stay together or not, because of how much we have shared. But I don't want to lose anything or give up on anything or be given up on. I'm just not sure if this is possible.

School is less than two months away now! Yay!

Thank God for good men.

Lately it feels like everyone is carrying a poo stick.

look who's busting out the statistics

fucking ultimate guitar, in regards to search engine errors:
"Make sure you spelled it right. 90% of all errors are wrong spelling."

geez, is this a known fact now? are you gonna cite that? how about it's just because you don't have 50% of the tabs I look up? how about it's because you have tabs for about 20% of my iTunes library? statistics are convenient, aren't they? maybe if i listened to seether things would be easier for me. it would also make more sense to assume that 90% of all my unfruitful tab searches were misspelled.
seriously people, we should get off the internet, just all together now.

"How come no one told me that all throughout history the loneliest people were the ones who always spoke the truth?"

Pacific Standard Time feels so much less lonely than Eastern, as if it's somewhat more populated. There's no waking up at eight in the morning with no one you know on either coast awake.

the pain of life!

the pain of life and of death, and boy is it something to muse about indeed...

how strangely facebook immortalizes the dead.

how you can feel sorrow over the pain of others as if it is your own.

how you can feel pain from pleasure, and bliss from sorrow.

how much more alive and worthwhile life is when one is sad! how much more we have to look forward to! how much more we have to fight for.

the pain of life and death is beautiful! there is nothing to despise. nothing brings people closer together than the pain of existing. nothing brings value to anything more than strife. nothing tastes sweeter than when it is tinged with longing or regret or anger. nothing is more worthwhile than the things that hurt the most!

i worship these feelings. i worship pain and sorrow. happiness is fleeting, but pain will always stay with us. nothing but God is more real than these, more worthy of praise, more accredited to the creation of mankind. i thank God for my sorrow! we would be an uninspired people, worthless in every right, if it weren't for the pain of life and death. this is what makes us alive.

the beauty of falling to one's knees in grief, of an embrace, of tears. the absolute purity and honesty of it all. the beautiful humanity in it.
the pain of life and death is a blessing!

I'm pretty sure Bruno Mars is Voldemort. If he ever comes anywhere near me, I think I'll throw up.

On another note, I got a tuberculosis test today, which involved a shot underneath the skin of my forearm.
Let me tell you, I realize now that I am a a little bitch.

I think I'm going to be sick. It's probably from all this candy and soda, but mostly it's because of the drama in my life.
I just want to write the word FUCK repeatedly, but I've already soiled this blog enough.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFCUCKRFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCUKFUCUJFKCUFUCUIFUCKFCUKFCUKFCUKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

EVERYBODY



ok so that was really immature.
FUCK@

Seriously, I just want to disappear. I wish I could live alone and never have to leave except to do the things I wanted to do, like school and libraries. Mostly sitting at my house with people who don't hate me.
I wish I could delete my existence in Florida. I would be a man in black, and no one would have remembered me after I had left.
PERFECT!

hey dudes

Three cheers for being an absolutely terrible person!
I could reference several past posts alluding to this very subject, of evil, succubi, etc., etc...
Anyways, food for thought. Nothing exists outside of God. I'm silly to pursue these other silly motives, but Lord forgive me when I stray. What this means is basically nothing lasts except what is true about God. Not that I'm claiming I know what that is (even if I do) but whatever it is, it's the only thing to base anything of value off of, and we'd really be very silly not to.
On a lesser scale (much, much, much lesser scale...), life without TV might be why I spend so much time on the internet. So my murder shows aren't all bad, are they? They keep me off this infernal thing where I constantly feel compelled to communicate with people I don't like. It's funny because I pay a cable bill, yet don't have cable in my room. This isn't working out.
LIFE isn't working out. Whoever thought you would ever have to hold another person's heart in your hands, that everything you would do would affect that person directly, including every lapse of judgement or every personality flaw? Whoever thought that someone would be so invested in you that your selfishness would cause them pain? Whoever thought that you could convince a person to devote their whole life to you even though you suck? People don't deserve the brutality of other people, and I don't deserve the sacredness of love. In this aspect of my life, I have a dick, and I piss all over everything.
Piss on it. With my dick that I have because I'm this huge asshole.
These are the times in my life where I'm like, okay, I know Jesus forgives me, but that obviously isn't a magic wand that makes me any less shitty. I really appreciate it and all, but Jesse still hates my guts so...yeah. Maybe you could team up with him. Or better yet, team up with me and get some reform started.

Lord knows I've blazed the best campaign trails this side of Northern California.

I always accidentally read too far ahead in my SparkNotes and find out some horrible twist of plot that would have been amazing to uncover on my own. Damn my infernal curiosity!

I miss the presence of animals. They make me feel so much better about life. They just love me, and I love them.

I wonder if things are actually going to change this time or if this is just something that is going to happen again and then it's back to the way things were. For once, I don't think I want that. I need to be by myself for a while.

I guess I don't know what love is. But I think I'm good off of it for now.

Desert Queen review

Desert Queen: The Extraordinary Life of Gertrude Bell: Adventurer, Adviser to Kings, Ally of Lawrence of Arabia by Janet Wallach

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


A random find at the local Goodwill, I had been meaning to read a biography when I saw this book. I wasn't quite sure how interested I would be in Gertrude Bell, but she ended up speaking me to me very clearly.

There are a lot of confusing things about Gertrude. While she rejected the common ideal of what the Victorian woman was supposed to be, at the same time she embraced her femininity and used it to her advantage throughout her political career. She also rallied against the suffrage movement, although later in life she had more complaints about the restrictions on her gender. She seemed to have a level head, but then at times would be vulnerable to her fits of romance and fancy. Although she was too naive and trusting at times, her womanly intuition was mostly spot on. She adopted the typical role of the Victorian woman, and her power was held mostly behind the scenes, out of limelight. Her politics were built on the relationships she had, which is a good message in any career choice. Build genuine friendships with as many people as possible because you never know.

Gertrude was amazing because her politics were always personal. She put so much of herself into the work she was doing, it was hard to separate her politics from her personality. To me, this can be ideal, but at the same time it can unravel a human being, as we see with Gertrude. As her political prominence begins to fade, her purpose in life became less and less clear for her. She had nothing outside of Iraq.

I love the imperfection in her. This book does well to portray her in the best light, but you can't help but notice the pervasiveness of her flaws. Stubborn, yet sometimes indecisive, easily depressed and never quite emotionally in touch with the world. Separate, snobbish, and often petty, Gertrude represented many negative stereotypes of a Victorian woman. However, the differences are much more noticeable.

I relate to Gertrude's quest to become a "Person", someone who matters. It's unfortunate because I don't think that feeling ever lasted for her. But if anyone was ever a Person in the Middle East, it was her.

In a time in my life where possible majors are taking up most of my thoughts, and days have been spent agonizing over every last class and career detail of each, this biography has inspired me to pursue an education in history and foreign language. The world out there is huge, and we actually can make a difference. It takes a certain ambition and strength of character, something Gertrude possessed like none other. It has inspired me to make my own mark in history and politics as an educated, passionate woman.

The writing style was literary, yet easy to follow. It gave personality and romance to the endless deserts and the seemingly hostile Middle East. This book brought my heart there and has inspired me to go. So much of our past is there, and much of our future as well. I have a clearer understanding of where Gertrude's passion for the place came from, and how its differences from the West is what makes it so compelling. Unfortunately, this book did little to restore my hope in the Middle East, as it is obvious to me that their struggles have existed for quite some time, and will for quite some time after. From an outsider's perspective, it seems like a petty feud, but for Iraqis, it is a matter of the Prophet and of honor and of history. This is not something that can be easily resolved. Gertrude's work was well-done, but it feels almost as if it were in vain. Everyone blames imperialism for Iraq's downfall, but the violently tribal Arabia was already destined for misfortune. It's funny how the most obvious theme in the history of politics is that, on a micro level, people change, but looking at the bigger picture, they never really did.



View all my reviews

some things

1) I feel so silly for not having been reading. It's really much better than anything on a screen. Unless I suppose that screen is a Kindle.
2) My life certainly feels a little emptier without LA Noire. The end was rip off, and I'm still completely pissed the total lack of closure. I felt, as well as the fact that it was a little over the top, yet at the same time...unsatisfying. I know there will probably be a sequel, but it just won't be the same for me. I'll still, however, play the shit out of it.
3) Carpal tunnel syndrome is getting a little out of control. Time to invest in a wrist brace or something?
4) Listography.com is now my new favorite thing. I would like to transfer all my blogs to there, but from the looks of it, people aren't really big listers. It's like it hasn't blown up yet? I don't know, but I'm absolutely in love and ready to make it a full-time blog. Yet I feel like if I were to blog, it would have to be here, because I just don't have the heart to abandon this. Lists are one thing, but an outpour of emotions, events, and daily insights are necessarily meant to be categorized and bulleted. Although, I'm doing it here, as I always have in these blogs.
5) I seriously can't wait for school to start. Two+ more months. Unfair. I have nothing interesting or worth achieving.

I'm going to have to reactivate my Facebook again pretty soon because I realized that without it, I simply have no interactions with my peers outside of business settings. I can't wait for school to start, even though last year was harder than I thought to meet people, although I have found Monica, whom I adore. More so she found me. In that case, I vow to be more outgoing and join more clubs and etc. I'm always the hand raiser and have an insight into every topic in class, but I don't think it necessarily speaks much about who I am as a non-intellectual, i.e. a loud, comical shit-talker, as lovable and compassionate as I am brazen and opinionated. No one gets to know me as I really am. The people who do either love me to death, or they either despise me in my entirety--I can only assume I must represent things they don't like. Sure, I talk openly about how much some of the things you like suck, and I get really loud when I'm having a conversation that I like, or sometimes I just have to comment on absolutely everything that I find relatively absurd. But at the same time, I feel like this is what makes me who I am--unabashed with a complete lack of grace, yet at the same time, totally forthcoming and admitting of my downfalls, happy to be here, honest, and brimming with love to a fault.
This may seem narcissistic, but it's almost a plea for understanding. I feel disliked by people, and I really feel it's only because they don't know anyone else like me. I'm almost retarded because I'm not a part of the modern idea of how people are supposed to be. Fuck it. Fuck it alllll. The people who appreciate this mentality are my friends. The people who don't can suck it because they'll never like me.
And that's how it is.

This blog is so old. I almost want to start fresh, but I don't have the heart to rid myself of this thing.

Life is much different for me than it was at the beginning of this blog. Here's some things that have changed:
I've been in a relationship for over two years
I live in California
I have a job
I go to school

Woop de woop nigga wut?

THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE HERE THERE IS NO LOVE

the i hate list

i hate dead people because they still talk shit.
i hate when adults wear braces. your crooked teeth would look better than your braces.
i hate this new generation of kids because they're all assholes and better at sports than me.
i hate men because they don't like you if you don't shave.
i hate women because they don't like you if you don't shave.
i hate toothbrushes because they aren't very good at cleaning bongs.
i hate the music on the radio and the fact that people don't know that music exists that isn't on the radio.
i hate the fact that early church officials may have added to Paul's letters.
i hate that video games aren't real.
i hate on call shifts.
i hate society because it doesn't even give us a chance.
i hate bruno mars.
i hate having to work retail in order to survive.
i hate the past and my former self.
i hate not having a car or even the money to maintain a car.
i hate fremont.
i hate pasco-hernando community college and most of the people that go/profess there.
i hate that my parents threw away a lot of my old things from when i was a kid when we moved to florida.
i hate lip pimples.
i hate men again because most of them will spend money on a prostitute or stripper in their lifetime.
i hate metal.
i hate green beans.
i hate that i don't get to do anything fun because i'm too broke.
i hate the internet, smartphones, and my stupid blog.

God's work is you.

You say that you would do twice, ten times, a hundred times, more than you did. But if you did ten thousand times ten thousand more than all men have done, what would that have been in the work of God? A mere nothing! God's work, like Himself, is infinite. God's work is you. Come to him, and be not a laborer but a son, and you will become a partner of the infinite God and of his world. In God's sight there is neither small nor great, there is only what is straight and what is crooked. Enter into the straight path of life and you will be with God and your work will be neither small nor great, it will be God's work. Remember that in heaven there is more joy over one sinner than over a hundred just persons. The world's work--all that you have neglected to do--has only shown you your sin, and you have repented. And when you repented you found the straight path. Go forward and follow it, and do not think of the past nor of what is great or small. All men are equal in God's sight! There is one God and one life!

--Old man, Walk in the Light While There is Light by Leo Tolstoy

I can see by reading my blog archives that I'm not the same person I used to be, even if I'm only judging this by the way that I write.
I gotsta get my swag back.

life sucks

without cable.
Some things...

1) I'm starting to feel a sense of unrest. I wish there was a job I could have right now that meant a lot to me. Unfortunately, I am uneducated, and this leaves me with few options outside of retail or food service.
2) This has led me to want to volunteer. At least I won't feel so useless.
3) Some people really get it. Some people just REALLY DON'T GET IT. It's clear that a lot of people aren't thinkers, and that it's not average to contemplate everything. You may say, wait, I'm thinking about things all the time! But it's the level on which you're thinking that might be different from what I'm talking about. Indulge in matters of the soul, it's good for you, like Raisin Brahms. It makes me think of Cher from Clueless, though. She was actually kind of a deep thinker...
4) Soon, I'll be in Florida visiting my family, and I can't wait to see little Jonah swishing his big butt.

25 Songs that Changed Everything

I've been meaning to do this for a while. I've compiled a list of songs that either changed the music I listened to or the way I felt/perceived things in general. Songs that saved me and songs that define me. No particular order.

1) To Be Alone with You by Sufjan Stevens
2) Dog by El Perro Del Mar
3) It's All Gonna Break by Broken Social Scene
4) Sadie by Joanna Newsom
5) Talk Show Host by Radiohead
6) Sender by Pinback
7) Jesus Christ by Brand New
8) Pachuca Sunrise by Minus the Bear
9) Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie
10) Dramamine by Modest Mouse
11) Tautou by Brand New
12) Haligh, Haligh, a Lie by Bright Eyes
13) Metal Heart by Cat Power
14) Candyland by CocoRosie
15) Here I Dreamt I Was an Architect by The Decemberists
16) Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap
17) The Sea and the Rhythm by Iron & Wine
18) Cat Faces by Ugly Casanova
19) I'll Believe in Anything by Wolf Parade
20) Cute Without the E by Taking Back Sunday
21) The Queen's Rebuke/The Crossing by The Decemberists
22) Seven Years (Acoustic) by Saosin
23) Everything by Lifehouse
24) Gold in the Air of Summer by Kings of Convenience
25) Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens

So here's what I say
about coming of ages
and the ends of beginnings of ends--
If it's true you will stop this,
and it's true I could stop this,
then I'll never give up again.

Anything important my life can be summed up in a moment. The clarifying moment, the first moment, the last moment, the fleeting instant, the brief glimpse. My foundation is made up of very, very small things. I don't remember most of them, but there are a few that stick with me.
The moment of truth. The sixty seconds in which I felt completely aware and at peace with reality.
The moment of deception. The sudden realization that everything I knew was a lie, and the life I had invested myself in was worth nothing.
The moment of value. I've walked the earth for years and feel like the things I have to show for it won't be worth much when I'm older.
The moment of cold water. The rush of a Pacific Ocean wave, and why I will never leave California.
The moment of love. The dip my stomach made, assuring me I would never get tired of the way things are.
The moment of life. The wave of understanding that I was extremely lucky to have still been alive.
The end moment. The pain that hit me when I knew everything needed to change in order for anything to be right.

Then there are the things that took me years for me to learn. There are things I am still learning. There are the things I will never learn. I will be so disappointed if it turns out that society really determined the person I became. I really hope I have more of a say in it than that.

I want a new life

Haven't written because I have nothing that great to say. Life reveals itself to be continuously false. I'm over it. Ready to move to the woods or the desert or the beach and just farm or something. I'd invite you, but I think I have to do this alone.