Friday, January 8, 2010
So, today is the big day
Last day in Florida. Trying to get organized and say good-bye to those who have been my friends. It's nerve-wracking, all of this. I just hope everything turns out as planned.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
with every day i know more than i did only a day before
when i fall asleep, your body questions mine
and feels the pressure while our limbs entwine
it won't mean anything if you don't let it
though we've worked our whole lives to get closer to it
and i was made with an open mind
they said, do your best and you'll be just fine
but with every year, i find another crutch
with faith comes fury, and i know that much.
when i die, it will be from a damaged heart
whose poisoned blood has pulled my veins apart
when does he choose to finish what he starts?
they said faith is death, i guess i missed that part.
i won't learn a thing holding hands of thieves
in a place for made for death but no one grieves
i hope they don't attack without a decent cause
or while i'm still without a steady job.
i'll feel you when the air hangs thick in my lungs
or when the taste of smoke is heavy on our tongues
or in the way my lips will feel bare and unsure
or when the words i say make me feel immature
i'll think of you every night when the sun disappears
and our salt streaked cheeks and our unabashed tears
and the softness and strength that i felt in your hands
and how, with miles between us, i'm still making plans.
such small drops make such big whores
and such small people make great big wars
and such small feet have walked such large shores
and such small things bind my life to yours.
and feels the pressure while our limbs entwine
it won't mean anything if you don't let it
though we've worked our whole lives to get closer to it
and i was made with an open mind
they said, do your best and you'll be just fine
but with every year, i find another crutch
with faith comes fury, and i know that much.
when i die, it will be from a damaged heart
whose poisoned blood has pulled my veins apart
when does he choose to finish what he starts?
they said faith is death, i guess i missed that part.
i won't learn a thing holding hands of thieves
in a place for made for death but no one grieves
i hope they don't attack without a decent cause
or while i'm still without a steady job.
i'll feel you when the air hangs thick in my lungs
or when the taste of smoke is heavy on our tongues
or in the way my lips will feel bare and unsure
or when the words i say make me feel immature
i'll think of you every night when the sun disappears
and our salt streaked cheeks and our unabashed tears
and the softness and strength that i felt in your hands
and how, with miles between us, i'm still making plans.
such small drops make such big whores
and such small people make great big wars
and such small feet have walked such large shores
and such small things bind my life to yours.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
The future never ends
but you're seriously missing out on life if you've never seen this video. It's one of my personal favorites.
I think this is a boy, but it's funnier for me to think it's a girl.
Okay, me and Sarah tried to decipher the lyrics a while ago, and this is all we've got.
"A new future lies ahead
the battle has begun
the land of Hone brings a brand new plan
and I'll be number one.
"?????????? by my side
????????????????
I'm gonna be a Pokemon master
of Ruby and Sapphire!
"I'm hungry, too
the force is still Pikachu.
The future never ends
in a world we must defend.
"Aqua and Magma better get back
Me and my Shroomish sure to attack
and then I'll be at the top of the pack of
"Pokemon!"
I think this is a boy, but it's funnier for me to think it's a girl.
Okay, me and Sarah tried to decipher the lyrics a while ago, and this is all we've got.
"A new future lies ahead
the battle has begun
the land of Hone brings a brand new plan
and I'll be number one.
"?????????? by my side
????????????????
I'm gonna be a Pokemon master
of Ruby and Sapphire!
"I'm hungry, too
the force is still Pikachu.
The future never ends
in a world we must defend.
"Aqua and Magma better get back
Me and my Shroomish sure to attack
and then I'll be at the top of the pack of
"Pokemon!"
My pets
My cat, Cud, is 12, and she is slowly going crazy from the madness, sleeping all day and coming out only when she hears you pour a bowl of cereal or open a container of yogurt.
My dog, Jonah, is a sicko, and he steals our shoes when we aren't home just because he really likes it when we scold him upon finding one laying around the house somewhere.
My kitten, Zeke (or Ezekiel, if you will), is crazy, and he isn't afraid of anything, not Jonah's massive paws or Cud's hard hits, not water, vacuum cleaners, my step-dad's loud voice, not the great outdoors, or even me kicking him. However, Zeke will become paralyzed with fear (the "Halloween cat" stance) if someone near him stands up too fast??
I can't help but feel I am to blame for all of this.
My dog, Jonah, is a sicko, and he steals our shoes when we aren't home just because he really likes it when we scold him upon finding one laying around the house somewhere.
My kitten, Zeke (or Ezekiel, if you will), is crazy, and he isn't afraid of anything, not Jonah's massive paws or Cud's hard hits, not water, vacuum cleaners, my step-dad's loud voice, not the great outdoors, or even me kicking him. However, Zeke will become paralyzed with fear (the "Halloween cat" stance) if someone near him stands up too fast??
I can't help but feel I am to blame for all of this.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
I think the scariest part about the human mind is not its tendency for violence or perversion, or the content of its innermost thoughts, but its ability to be completely rewritten by any person, place, or circumstance strong and repetitive enough to take hold. I don't think we've realized as a species how impressionable our minds really are.
Everyday I've been slowly recognizing that we are being influenced, not necessarily because it is the intent, but because it's unavoidable for our minds to adhere to the minds around us. I don't know if even I realize how nothing we believe is really our own. People work on us. We are surrounded by others who influence us without our consent. It takes time, but we will slowly start to disengage ourselves from past convictions when placed in the midst of those who don't have them, or even make a mockery of them.
Maybe that doesn't sound too scary. But really, where does society end and an individual begin? Are we really just products of our environment?
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest has never made more sense. I feel rage as my sense of self is being systematically stripped away from me by mass media, culture, and society, but I do little to stop it. I can see what happens to the people who break away and how insane you can become by seeing the world for what it is while trying to separate yourself from it. The more objectively you view the world, the more you hate everything and the harder it is to want to have anything to do with it.
Only God provides the fire, the spark, the ability to hold strong to our convictions and still meet the world with never ending compassion. We can be separate but satisfied, different but unashamed, honest and brave. Otherwise, I will always find my mind weak and my courage frail.
I can see how people are being influenced. It's by their parents, their books, their girlfriends, their job, the weather, their pet, their music, the town, commercials, propaganda, Wikipedia, porn, their friends, everything. How impossible it can be to stick to our guns when we are bombarded every day with opinions on what to believe, what to think is cool, what is socially acceptable, what makes you attractive, what's funny, what's right, what you should eat, wear, and talk about, what's important. How are we supposed to know what's true when everything everywhere is telling us something different?
I don't have this fire or spark. It's hard for me at this point in my life to stop being a negative, angry person. I have killed in my heart with the hate I feel, have destroyed buildings and burned bridges, all in the name of my hate. It's making me mad, and it's also making me fat, and I'm getting tired of this shit.
Everyday I've been slowly recognizing that we are being influenced, not necessarily because it is the intent, but because it's unavoidable for our minds to adhere to the minds around us. I don't know if even I realize how nothing we believe is really our own. People work on us. We are surrounded by others who influence us without our consent. It takes time, but we will slowly start to disengage ourselves from past convictions when placed in the midst of those who don't have them, or even make a mockery of them.
Maybe that doesn't sound too scary. But really, where does society end and an individual begin? Are we really just products of our environment?
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest has never made more sense. I feel rage as my sense of self is being systematically stripped away from me by mass media, culture, and society, but I do little to stop it. I can see what happens to the people who break away and how insane you can become by seeing the world for what it is while trying to separate yourself from it. The more objectively you view the world, the more you hate everything and the harder it is to want to have anything to do with it.
Only God provides the fire, the spark, the ability to hold strong to our convictions and still meet the world with never ending compassion. We can be separate but satisfied, different but unashamed, honest and brave. Otherwise, I will always find my mind weak and my courage frail.
I can see how people are being influenced. It's by their parents, their books, their girlfriends, their job, the weather, their pet, their music, the town, commercials, propaganda, Wikipedia, porn, their friends, everything. How impossible it can be to stick to our guns when we are bombarded every day with opinions on what to believe, what to think is cool, what is socially acceptable, what makes you attractive, what's funny, what's right, what you should eat, wear, and talk about, what's important. How are we supposed to know what's true when everything everywhere is telling us something different?
I don't have this fire or spark. It's hard for me at this point in my life to stop being a negative, angry person. I have killed in my heart with the hate I feel, have destroyed buildings and burned bridges, all in the name of my hate. It's making me mad, and it's also making me fat, and I'm getting tired of this shit.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Boston
When I moved to Boston at 17, I was given the opportunity to make a lot of choices, and I chose wrong every time. God allowed me to live exactly how I wanted to at that time in my life without getting punished.
Well, that's not true. It was only six months, but I'm still being punished for it. I can take any given event while I lived in Massachusetts and guarantee that it will make me feel guilt, regret, embarrassment, disbelief, torment, or all of the above.
I hate that part of my life. I wish I go back in time everyday, I wish I could just highlight and delete that whole portion of my existence without creating an endless black hole of wtf? physics. But more than anything, I hate that part of myself, which is still in me somewhere, just kept under wraps (if Freud means anything to you, you'd believe that everybody suffers from this hidden id that we try to stifle until it finally comes out when we are vulnerable or losing control). I am humiliated that a person like that could have EVER been me. It creates this huge cycle of self-hate and regret every time I think about it. I can't feel okay about myself and can't find the self-esteem to motivate myself to live a better life. And now, four years later, I really just want it to be over. I want to move on, but nothing will bring me peace, I will never feel better about it, and I won't ever stop thinking about it.
My consequences didn't come right away, and those kind of consequences are the hardest. Maybe one day it won't bother me anymore, but the fact is I will never forget, and the memories won't ever go away, no matter how hard I've tried.
I don't know what spawned this, but everybody, let's just do the right thing. We know in our hearts what's right and what's wrong, but if we don't start caring about making good decisions for ourselves, we will create our own misery that will follow us for the rest of our lives, whether we realize it or not. I myself need to take my own advice. Make the RIGHT choices, do the RIGHT things, have integrity, it will give us peace of mind, security, and openness to God's will.
It's unwise to believe that we can live our lives however we want with no consequences. Don't be fooled--there are ALWAYS consequences, they just might come in an unexpected form at an unexpected time in an unexpected way, and they might not even affect us directly. But everything we do affects everyone around us, and that alone should make us want to be more conscientious about the choices we make.
Like I said, I need to take my own advice. It's something to think about, but hard to do. It's almost impossible to have the forethought, to think months or even years down the road, or to even care about ourselves and our bodies, souls, and minds. I'm not saying I can even do it, but I think I want to try.
Well, that's not true. It was only six months, but I'm still being punished for it. I can take any given event while I lived in Massachusetts and guarantee that it will make me feel guilt, regret, embarrassment, disbelief, torment, or all of the above.
I hate that part of my life. I wish I go back in time everyday, I wish I could just highlight and delete that whole portion of my existence without creating an endless black hole of wtf? physics. But more than anything, I hate that part of myself, which is still in me somewhere, just kept under wraps (if Freud means anything to you, you'd believe that everybody suffers from this hidden id that we try to stifle until it finally comes out when we are vulnerable or losing control). I am humiliated that a person like that could have EVER been me. It creates this huge cycle of self-hate and regret every time I think about it. I can't feel okay about myself and can't find the self-esteem to motivate myself to live a better life. And now, four years later, I really just want it to be over. I want to move on, but nothing will bring me peace, I will never feel better about it, and I won't ever stop thinking about it.
My consequences didn't come right away, and those kind of consequences are the hardest. Maybe one day it won't bother me anymore, but the fact is I will never forget, and the memories won't ever go away, no matter how hard I've tried.
I don't know what spawned this, but everybody, let's just do the right thing. We know in our hearts what's right and what's wrong, but if we don't start caring about making good decisions for ourselves, we will create our own misery that will follow us for the rest of our lives, whether we realize it or not. I myself need to take my own advice. Make the RIGHT choices, do the RIGHT things, have integrity, it will give us peace of mind, security, and openness to God's will.
It's unwise to believe that we can live our lives however we want with no consequences. Don't be fooled--there are ALWAYS consequences, they just might come in an unexpected form at an unexpected time in an unexpected way, and they might not even affect us directly. But everything we do affects everyone around us, and that alone should make us want to be more conscientious about the choices we make.
Like I said, I need to take my own advice. It's something to think about, but hard to do. It's almost impossible to have the forethought, to think months or even years down the road, or to even care about ourselves and our bodies, souls, and minds. I'm not saying I can even do it, but I think I want to try.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
To Daniel Cobian
To Daniel Cobian, wherever you are
I will never forget you and how, in our sixth grade yearbook, they asked us what our future goals were, and you had valiantly wrote:
To graduate high school and because a Pokemon master!!!
I can only hope you've achieved your dreams and have caught them all.
I will never forget you and how, in our sixth grade yearbook, they asked us what our future goals were, and you had valiantly wrote:
To graduate high school and because a Pokemon master!!!
I can only hope you've achieved your dreams and have caught them all.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
America
But you do ... sort of ... I mean - don’t you think you’ve got a bit of a - a - saving-people thing?
In other news:
Who knew that Obama actually looks GOOD with a HITLER mustache? That's the thing with Obama! He always looks sharp.
In other news:
Who knew that Obama actually looks GOOD with a HITLER mustache? That's the thing with Obama! He always looks sharp.
Monday, October 26, 2009
I think I should make myself very clear
IF YOU DO PILLS, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
So please, don't talk to me. EVER.
So please, don't talk to me. EVER.
Friday, October 23, 2009
I ordered my halloween costume.
I'm going to be a cowgirl, okay, and this is my dress:
I also bought a vest:
Now I just need boots, hat, belt, and I'll be set.
I'm very excited, it will be SO cute.
I also bought a vest:
Now I just need boots, hat, belt, and I'll be set.
I'm very excited, it will be SO cute.
Hookers for Jesus
I found my dream job and will probably end up in shitty Las Vegas because of this place:
www.hookersforjesus.net
www.hookersforjesus.net
Monday, October 12, 2009
this part of the earth has separated itself
its expanse is falling into the sea
i stepped its ground when the hate was born
and it brought me to him just to take him from me
i'll sleep for hours and hours on his wedding night
as my new future towers over all in sight
it's my fault
i still want his name to become my name
i still want to blame every last inch of this
swamp water quicksand that pulls us in
and every new thought and old dream that will pull us out
and every false hope and bright light where it's said to begin
and every last lie and distraction that cements my doubt
i blame you.
i know i'm naive and spiteful now
i want to believe, but when it comes to pain
i'm selfish and now my fear of you is becoming
something more frightening than what I had first learned
cause I'm getting worse.
i fell in love and i won't take it back
i want to be loved only by this man
i'm afraid of the pain but i know what it's worth
and still I believe that you do have a plan
or something set aside for me
and the peace you can give me helps me fall asleep
this is love.
its expanse is falling into the sea
i stepped its ground when the hate was born
and it brought me to him just to take him from me
i'll sleep for hours and hours on his wedding night
as my new future towers over all in sight
it's my fault
i still want his name to become my name
i still want to blame every last inch of this
swamp water quicksand that pulls us in
and every new thought and old dream that will pull us out
and every false hope and bright light where it's said to begin
and every last lie and distraction that cements my doubt
i blame you.
i know i'm naive and spiteful now
i want to believe, but when it comes to pain
i'm selfish and now my fear of you is becoming
something more frightening than what I had first learned
cause I'm getting worse.
i fell in love and i won't take it back
i want to be loved only by this man
i'm afraid of the pain but i know what it's worth
and still I believe that you do have a plan
or something set aside for me
and the peace you can give me helps me fall asleep
this is love.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The only thing I try to understand are the things that aren't happening.
I think about them constantly, and I know it's what ruins me. The last thing I ever wanted was to become something I'm not. The last thing I wanted was to force myself to pray, to force myself to think a little deeper.
But now I just do what is present and constant and always here, I do only what preoccupies my mind and my thoughts. I think only of things that no longer exist. It's in my mind whenever I close my eyes. My thoughts drift to things I wish never happened, to things I know were my fault.
The things that happened to me were always my fault, and I can't forgive myself.
I don't care if my parents have forgiven me, if my friends are over it, or even if Jesus died for these things.
I will never feel okay with the way I have lived.
I will never feel justified for the things I have seen or the choices I've made or the words that I said and the people I said them to.
Or the way that I looked at everyone.
The way I begged for them
and the way my body tightened around them for them and how I would have done anything just to feel like I was a part of them, to feel like they understood, to feel like I knew something others did not.
I feel like these thoughts will be constant and that nothing will stop them
that I will never sleep soundly
that I will never have a moment where I am not reminded
something doesn't come to mind.
Whether it's woods on a rainy day in Massachusetts, and the woods were mossy and green, and the sky was hanging with steam, and the branches were heavy with strings, and the only thing I could see is how it would be almost impossible to escape this place
how good the air felt heavy in my lungs and how I could taste it, and the rain was like mist that soaked my hair and my cheeks, and is this really how my life was going to be?
Or the time there were fists and feet clutching ribs, and I fell to the ground, and I screamed out some words that didn't make any sense, and I grabbed for hair and for flesh and for hips, and I felt the asphalt kiss my skull and dig into my spine and my back carried scars for a long enough time.
Or the way that no face saw the depths of my eyes, and no voice was the way I fell asleep every night, and no hair was soft to the palm of my hand, and how I made no mistakes because I see it for what it is
and the way that my callouses formed beneath skin.
Now I melt underneath something soft, and it's so hard to move at all, and sometimes I don't even wish that I could.
I know don't what I'm doing cause I haven't done it before
and I know that when it ends, I won't be able to understand how everything can still be the same for everyone else, and how I could have ever allowed myself to be the way that I am now.
I think the truth of it all, even though I don't know what it is or have I ever known what it is, is I can feel it deep and strong unlike anything else. Even if I'm at an age where I think maybe I've had to have learned something. But I'm exactly where I was and not at all who I thought I would be. I really thought maybe one day I'd make to school and have a good job and this money and be on some beach or in some sunny city.
And yet here I am in this hurricane land, and the cold only comes to make me feel warmer than I had before.
I think about them constantly, and I know it's what ruins me. The last thing I ever wanted was to become something I'm not. The last thing I wanted was to force myself to pray, to force myself to think a little deeper.
But now I just do what is present and constant and always here, I do only what preoccupies my mind and my thoughts. I think only of things that no longer exist. It's in my mind whenever I close my eyes. My thoughts drift to things I wish never happened, to things I know were my fault.
The things that happened to me were always my fault, and I can't forgive myself.
I don't care if my parents have forgiven me, if my friends are over it, or even if Jesus died for these things.
I will never feel okay with the way I have lived.
I will never feel justified for the things I have seen or the choices I've made or the words that I said and the people I said them to.
Or the way that I looked at everyone.
The way I begged for them
and the way my body tightened around them for them and how I would have done anything just to feel like I was a part of them, to feel like they understood, to feel like I knew something others did not.
I feel like these thoughts will be constant and that nothing will stop them
that I will never sleep soundly
that I will never have a moment where I am not reminded
something doesn't come to mind.
Whether it's woods on a rainy day in Massachusetts, and the woods were mossy and green, and the sky was hanging with steam, and the branches were heavy with strings, and the only thing I could see is how it would be almost impossible to escape this place
how good the air felt heavy in my lungs and how I could taste it, and the rain was like mist that soaked my hair and my cheeks, and is this really how my life was going to be?
Or the time there were fists and feet clutching ribs, and I fell to the ground, and I screamed out some words that didn't make any sense, and I grabbed for hair and for flesh and for hips, and I felt the asphalt kiss my skull and dig into my spine and my back carried scars for a long enough time.
Or the way that no face saw the depths of my eyes, and no voice was the way I fell asleep every night, and no hair was soft to the palm of my hand, and how I made no mistakes because I see it for what it is
and the way that my callouses formed beneath skin.
Now I melt underneath something soft, and it's so hard to move at all, and sometimes I don't even wish that I could.
I know don't what I'm doing cause I haven't done it before
and I know that when it ends, I won't be able to understand how everything can still be the same for everyone else, and how I could have ever allowed myself to be the way that I am now.
I think the truth of it all, even though I don't know what it is or have I ever known what it is, is I can feel it deep and strong unlike anything else. Even if I'm at an age where I think maybe I've had to have learned something. But I'm exactly where I was and not at all who I thought I would be. I really thought maybe one day I'd make to school and have a good job and this money and be on some beach or in some sunny city.
And yet here I am in this hurricane land, and the cold only comes to make me feel warmer than I had before.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
long time
I can't lie. I want you to be perfect, and now I'm starving, eating basslines to keep the iron in my blood.
but I was there. One night put a country between us. But now the state that began the hate has opened an endless sphere, and now all I can do is care about it. I can't hold the city close--I have to forget and get ready.
I was supposed to be smart about this, and already the danger has stopped me in my tracks
unmaimed the beaten path
numbed my calves so I can run through vines of thorns and not notice the blood
the red. the flag.
And I never seem to run out of chances. Maybe this is why I can't get scared.
In him, I see fire, and my stomachs carry water for miles. So I'll stay for sand and sky. The sooner I grow up, the sooner I can take the sword and leave nothing that breathes.
The day I surrender is the day I fall out of love. The promised land comes with a choice, and I've already chosen wrong. I guess this is simply an apology.
an explanation
a warning.
but I was there. One night put a country between us. But now the state that began the hate has opened an endless sphere, and now all I can do is care about it. I can't hold the city close--I have to forget and get ready.
I was supposed to be smart about this, and already the danger has stopped me in my tracks
unmaimed the beaten path
numbed my calves so I can run through vines of thorns and not notice the blood
the red. the flag.
And I never seem to run out of chances. Maybe this is why I can't get scared.
In him, I see fire, and my stomachs carry water for miles. So I'll stay for sand and sky. The sooner I grow up, the sooner I can take the sword and leave nothing that breathes.
The day I surrender is the day I fall out of love. The promised land comes with a choice, and I've already chosen wrong. I guess this is simply an apology.
an explanation
a warning.
Friday, July 31, 2009
I never told you
how amazing the Half Blood Prince was.
The best parts all involved Malfoy. That was some heavy shit.
I should be seeing it again soon, maybe next paycheck. Any takers for round two?
The best parts all involved Malfoy. That was some heavy shit.
I should be seeing it again soon, maybe next paycheck. Any takers for round two?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
to write freely part one
I should be sleeping but I turned around instead. I thought I could make it on foot. My thighs start to ache with restlessness. I want to run and feel my soles slap against pavement and tar until the arches of my feet are ripped and ridged.
I think it's about time you came driving back now. I saw you stocked up on gas tanks and water bottles, so when are you leaving, just tell me, I only want to know, and I'm not going to try to stop you. If you go, I will watch you leave. I will pack a cooler and make a sandwich and knit a sweater. I am there with you when your exhaust pipe puffs its last gasp of Floridian air. But I hope you have to guts to follow through. It's an open road out there, and it stretches for miles and weeks at that, and time is something that disappears when your money runs out.
So I pressed my ear to the ground to hear the tires squeak against the gravel. I love the sound of leaving, when life is beginning again. I'm happy when the light is fading and when my skin looks pale because the stars are few under these orange streetlamps and smog.
This is what life is going to be like now. It's going to keep going, and it's not going to stop. With every year that goes by, I wonder how I made it this far. I don't think it's going to be this way forever but it's hard to believe that something is going to change when it never does. Now I know this drum will beat my heart to death.
The sky faded into an opaque eggshell white, and I watched the sun dip beneath the ground. I wondered how hot it gets under there. I saw the road stretch into sand and roll on its back, and the spine of the freeway was buzzing, letting go of everything it once held on to, because what does the road have to worry about, what should the road have to love? It can just keep going. I
And I wish I could keep going. I feel like this is a pitstop a resting place a hospice a vacation home I want to get out of here but no one cares. I want to live life continuously and fearlessly. And I want to believe that my life is all there is and that there is nothing to live for after I die. But I know the truth, and that's why I feel that I must change. I don't want to, though, that's the truth.
If I have to be completely honest here it's to say that nothing is ever going to be the same for me. I don't want to know anyone just like they don't want to know me. I don't care to know what you are really going to be like because i know it's something I won't like, possibly something horrible.
But maybe if I was getting hurt, my life would be more interesting. Maybe if you hit me, it would make me feel alive. I guess it's sick to say, but I like it when my heart is hurting in someone else's hands. At least then I can show someone and tell them I am not in control of this. Bad things are going to happen to me, and that's the way it's going to be forever. I think it should be a profession to feel sorry for oneself because I think we all do it so convincingly.
But then I think, what do we really have to be afraid of? What in life has been as good as this? I know I have had it worse, and although at times you are just like the others with the way you look at me, I can see what you really want and who you really are. Yes, I know my mouth is big, I talk so much, I talk too damn much, and I should keep my mouth shut if I ever know what's good for me, and I need to sit on my hands to stop twitching my feet and moving my wrists and cracking my knuckles because everyone is going to see, sooner or later, that I'm not as like them as they think. I don't know how I blend in with the rest of society when I know exactly what I stand for and that the way I act is the exact opposite.
It's getting kind of late. This is how I am, but that doesn't mean I can live with it. I wonder when the self absorption will stop and if we'll ever stop feeling sorry for ourselves, and if I will always have to apologize for wasting everybody's time.
I think it's about time you came driving back now. I saw you stocked up on gas tanks and water bottles, so when are you leaving, just tell me, I only want to know, and I'm not going to try to stop you. If you go, I will watch you leave. I will pack a cooler and make a sandwich and knit a sweater. I am there with you when your exhaust pipe puffs its last gasp of Floridian air. But I hope you have to guts to follow through. It's an open road out there, and it stretches for miles and weeks at that, and time is something that disappears when your money runs out.
So I pressed my ear to the ground to hear the tires squeak against the gravel. I love the sound of leaving, when life is beginning again. I'm happy when the light is fading and when my skin looks pale because the stars are few under these orange streetlamps and smog.
This is what life is going to be like now. It's going to keep going, and it's not going to stop. With every year that goes by, I wonder how I made it this far. I don't think it's going to be this way forever but it's hard to believe that something is going to change when it never does. Now I know this drum will beat my heart to death.
The sky faded into an opaque eggshell white, and I watched the sun dip beneath the ground. I wondered how hot it gets under there. I saw the road stretch into sand and roll on its back, and the spine of the freeway was buzzing, letting go of everything it once held on to, because what does the road have to worry about, what should the road have to love? It can just keep going. I
And I wish I could keep going. I feel like this is a pitstop a resting place a hospice a vacation home I want to get out of here but no one cares. I want to live life continuously and fearlessly. And I want to believe that my life is all there is and that there is nothing to live for after I die. But I know the truth, and that's why I feel that I must change. I don't want to, though, that's the truth.
If I have to be completely honest here it's to say that nothing is ever going to be the same for me. I don't want to know anyone just like they don't want to know me. I don't care to know what you are really going to be like because i know it's something I won't like, possibly something horrible.
But maybe if I was getting hurt, my life would be more interesting. Maybe if you hit me, it would make me feel alive. I guess it's sick to say, but I like it when my heart is hurting in someone else's hands. At least then I can show someone and tell them I am not in control of this. Bad things are going to happen to me, and that's the way it's going to be forever. I think it should be a profession to feel sorry for oneself because I think we all do it so convincingly.
But then I think, what do we really have to be afraid of? What in life has been as good as this? I know I have had it worse, and although at times you are just like the others with the way you look at me, I can see what you really want and who you really are. Yes, I know my mouth is big, I talk so much, I talk too damn much, and I should keep my mouth shut if I ever know what's good for me, and I need to sit on my hands to stop twitching my feet and moving my wrists and cracking my knuckles because everyone is going to see, sooner or later, that I'm not as like them as they think. I don't know how I blend in with the rest of society when I know exactly what I stand for and that the way I act is the exact opposite.
It's getting kind of late. This is how I am, but that doesn't mean I can live with it. I wonder when the self absorption will stop and if we'll ever stop feeling sorry for ourselves, and if I will always have to apologize for wasting everybody's time.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Who else noticed this
If Kenny G cut his hair, he might actually be more good looking than I would usually assume.
Oh, he might have to straighten his hair, too.
This has proved to be true for Michael Bolton:
BEFORE (ew):
AFTER:
TO DO LIST v. 2.0
1) Take Jonah on a walk.
2) Get a tan.
3) Get unicycle for hot dog eating contest.
4) Spray cactus.
5) Kill all resident coyotes.
2) Get a tan.
3) Get unicycle for hot dog eating contest.
4) Spray cactus.
5) Kill all resident coyotes.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Lindsay Lohan's Blog
Well, I found this interesting beat poetry left in a comment on Lindsay Lohan's Myspace blog by a guy named Alfred. It reads:
man, what a day, waht a wk, wat a month. gota slow down. gowing to fast for god only knows wat. load the dishwasher twice a wk. eat, cook, crap, etc. wat for. garbage ('programmed' news inclusive) on tube. ca'nt aford a radio for to listen to covered choco peanuts. rats is funny. fuck, its almost summer and already scum tween nuts..she can have her aloha, me works to pay doctor etc then save money to go bang one in thais (oops). what a waste of space....think i'll go dick his murkiness et al. and then go to service on sunday for to have a funny guy tell me the hole worlds cool, don't worry be happy, we's all gonna die anyway, and if it feels good, fucking do it! what a life. methinks somethins missing (or should i say, somethin there that shouldn't be!!!!!!!(.(.(...
I think this excerpt speaks for itself.
man, what a day, waht a wk, wat a month. gota slow down. gowing to fast for god only knows wat. load the dishwasher twice a wk. eat, cook, crap, etc. wat for. garbage ('programmed' news inclusive) on tube. ca'nt aford a radio for to listen to covered choco peanuts. rats is funny. fuck, its almost summer and already scum tween nuts..she can have her aloha, me works to pay doctor etc then save money to go bang one in thais (oops). what a waste of space....think i'll go dick his murkiness et al. and then go to service on sunday for to have a funny guy tell me the hole worlds cool, don't worry be happy, we's all gonna die anyway, and if it feels good, fucking do it! what a life. methinks somethins missing (or should i say, somethin there that shouldn't be!!!!!!!(.(.(...
I think this excerpt speaks for itself.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
you know what's strange?
It's interesting to me that in my home town, a decent amount of people thought I was cool and were always down to chill with me, but in my new town, I pretty much don't exist beyond the minds of a select few. Maybe it's not a bad thing, but I do miss having friends and not being the weirdo from California.
It's also strange how that can be reversed. Someone can be the shit in whatever new life they have created for themselves, but when they go back home, they are still nobody.
However, I think I would prefer the latter, but the grass is always greener, isn't it?
It's also strange how that can be reversed. Someone can be the shit in whatever new life they have created for themselves, but when they go back home, they are still nobody.
However, I think I would prefer the latter, but the grass is always greener, isn't it?
FREE ROMAN KOSULIN
Now, normally when Roman gets locked up, I usually assume it's going to be good for him and his lawbreaking ways, but it seems this is a more serious matter. Apparently, Roman is Santa Clara County's "most prolific tagger in recent memory" and has been arrested on 11 counts of felony vandalism. I'm not sure how he got caught, or if I support his illegal activity, but I do know I don't want him in prison!! Who's with me?
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