The only thing I try to understand are the things that aren't happening.
I think about them constantly, and I know it's what ruins me. The last thing I ever wanted was to become something I'm not. The last thing I wanted was to force myself to pray, to force myself to think a little deeper.
But now I just do what is present and constant and always here, I do only what preoccupies my mind and my thoughts. I think only of things that no longer exist. It's in my mind whenever I close my eyes. My thoughts drift to things I wish never happened, to things I know were my fault.
The things that happened to me were always my fault, and I can't forgive myself.
I don't care if my parents have forgiven me, if my friends are over it, or even if Jesus died for these things.
I will never feel okay with the way I have lived.
I will never feel justified for the things I have seen or the choices I've made or the words that I said and the people I said them to.
Or the way that I looked at everyone.
The way I begged for them
and the way my body tightened around them for them and how I would have done anything just to feel like I was a part of them, to feel like they understood, to feel like I knew something others did not.
I feel like these thoughts will be constant and that nothing will stop them
that I will never sleep soundly
that I will never have a moment where I am not reminded
something doesn't come to mind.
Whether it's woods on a rainy day in Massachusetts, and the woods were mossy and green, and the sky was hanging with steam, and the branches were heavy with strings, and the only thing I could see is how it would be almost impossible to escape this place
how good the air felt heavy in my lungs and how I could taste it, and the rain was like mist that soaked my hair and my cheeks, and is this really how my life was going to be?
Or the time there were fists and feet clutching ribs, and I fell to the ground, and I screamed out some words that didn't make any sense, and I grabbed for hair and for flesh and for hips, and I felt the asphalt kiss my skull and dig into my spine and my back carried scars for a long enough time.
Or the way that no face saw the depths of my eyes, and no voice was the way I fell asleep every night, and no hair was soft to the palm of my hand, and how I made no mistakes because I see it for what it is
and the way that my callouses formed beneath skin.
Now I melt underneath something soft, and it's so hard to move at all, and sometimes I don't even wish that I could.
I know don't what I'm doing cause I haven't done it before
and I know that when it ends, I won't be able to understand how everything can still be the same for everyone else, and how I could have ever allowed myself to be the way that I am now.
I think the truth of it all, even though I don't know what it is or have I ever known what it is, is I can feel it deep and strong unlike anything else. Even if I'm at an age where I think maybe I've had to have learned something. But I'm exactly where I was and not at all who I thought I would be. I really thought maybe one day I'd make to school and have a good job and this money and be on some beach or in some sunny city.
And yet here I am in this hurricane land, and the cold only comes to make me feel warmer than I had before.

long time

I can't lie. I want you to be perfect, and now I'm starving, eating basslines to keep the iron in my blood.
but I was there. One night put a country between us. But now the state that began the hate has opened an endless sphere, and now all I can do is care about it. I can't hold the city close--I have to forget and get ready.
I was supposed to be smart about this, and already the danger has stopped me in my tracks
unmaimed the beaten path
numbed my calves so I can run through vines of thorns and not notice the blood
the red. the flag.
And I never seem to run out of chances. Maybe this is why I can't get scared.
In him, I see fire, and my stomachs carry water for miles. So I'll stay for sand and sky. The sooner I grow up, the sooner I can take the sword and leave nothing that breathes.
The day I surrender is the day I fall out of love. The promised land comes with a choice, and I've already chosen wrong. I guess this is simply an apology.
an explanation
a warning.

I never told you

how amazing the Half Blood Prince was.
The best parts all involved Malfoy. That was some heavy shit.

I should be seeing it again soon, maybe next paycheck. Any takers for round two?

it's either this or sinking ships yeah you know what to do

you know what i need?

more money.

Best Advertisement Around

your point being?

to write freely part one

I should be sleeping but I turned around instead. I thought I could make it on foot. My thighs start to ache with restlessness. I want to run and feel my soles slap against pavement and tar until the arches of my feet are ripped and ridged.
I think it's about time you came driving back now. I saw you stocked up on gas tanks and water bottles, so when are you leaving, just tell me, I only want to know, and I'm not going to try to stop you. If you go, I will watch you leave. I will pack a cooler and make a sandwich and knit a sweater. I am there with you when your exhaust pipe puffs its last gasp of Floridian air. But I hope you have to guts to follow through. It's an open road out there, and it stretches for miles and weeks at that, and time is something that disappears when your money runs out.
So I pressed my ear to the ground to hear the tires squeak against the gravel. I love the sound of leaving, when life is beginning again. I'm happy when the light is fading and when my skin looks pale because the stars are few under these orange streetlamps and smog.
This is what life is going to be like now. It's going to keep going, and it's not going to stop. With every year that goes by, I wonder how I made it this far. I don't think it's going to be this way forever but it's hard to believe that something is going to change when it never does. Now I know this drum will beat my heart to death.
The sky faded into an opaque eggshell white, and I watched the sun dip beneath the ground. I wondered how hot it gets under there. I saw the road stretch into sand and roll on its back, and the spine of the freeway was buzzing, letting go of everything it once held on to, because what does the road have to worry about, what should the road have to love? It can just keep going. I
And I wish I could keep going. I feel like this is a pitstop a resting place a hospice a vacation home I want to get out of here but no one cares. I want to live life continuously and fearlessly. And I want to believe that my life is all there is and that there is nothing to live for after I die. But I know the truth, and that's why I feel that I must change. I don't want to, though, that's the truth.
If I have to be completely honest here it's to say that nothing is ever going to be the same for me. I don't want to know anyone just like they don't want to know me. I don't care to know what you are really going to be like because i know it's something I won't like, possibly something horrible.
But maybe if I was getting hurt, my life would be more interesting. Maybe if you hit me, it would make me feel alive. I guess it's sick to say, but I like it when my heart is hurting in someone else's hands. At least then I can show someone and tell them I am not in control of this. Bad things are going to happen to me, and that's the way it's going to be forever. I think it should be a profession to feel sorry for oneself because I think we all do it so convincingly.
But then I think, what do we really have to be afraid of? What in life has been as good as this? I know I have had it worse, and although at times you are just like the others with the way you look at me, I can see what you really want and who you really are. Yes, I know my mouth is big, I talk so much, I talk too damn much, and I should keep my mouth shut if I ever know what's good for me, and I need to sit on my hands to stop twitching my feet and moving my wrists and cracking my knuckles because everyone is going to see, sooner or later, that I'm not as like them as they think. I don't know how I blend in with the rest of society when I know exactly what I stand for and that the way I act is the exact opposite.
It's getting kind of late. This is how I am, but that doesn't mean I can live with it. I wonder when the self absorption will stop and if we'll ever stop feeling sorry for ourselves, and if I will always have to apologize for wasting everybody's time.

Who else noticed this

If Kenny G cut his hair, he might actually be more good looking than I would usually assume.



Oh, he might have to straighten his hair, too.

This has proved to be true for Michael Bolton:

BEFORE (ew):

AFTER:

TO DO LIST v. 2.0

1) Take Jonah on a walk.
2) Get a tan.
3) Get unicycle for hot dog eating contest.
4) Spray cactus.
5) Kill all resident coyotes.

Lindsay Lohan's Blog

Well, I found this interesting beat poetry left in a comment on Lindsay Lohan's Myspace blog by a guy named Alfred. It reads:

man, what a day, waht a wk, wat a month. gota slow down. gowing to fast for god only knows wat. load the dishwasher twice a wk. eat, cook, crap, etc. wat for. garbage ('programmed' news inclusive) on tube. ca'nt aford a radio for to listen to covered choco peanuts. rats is funny. fuck, its almost summer and already scum tween nuts..she can have her aloha, me works to pay doctor etc then save money to go bang one in thais (oops). what a waste of space....think i'll go dick his murkiness et al. and then go to service on sunday for to have a funny guy tell me the hole worlds cool, don't worry be happy, we's all gonna die anyway, and if it feels good, fucking do it! what a life. methinks somethins missing (or should i say, somethin there that shouldn't be!!!!!!!(.(.(...

I think this excerpt speaks for itself.

caught my eye

Christopher Kane Fall 2009

lol

I love when people resort to hanging out with people they hate.

old but good

you know what's strange?

It's interesting to me that in my home town, a decent amount of people thought I was cool and were always down to chill with me, but in my new town, I pretty much don't exist beyond the minds of a select few. Maybe it's not a bad thing, but I do miss having friends and not being the weirdo from California.
It's also strange how that can be reversed. Someone can be the shit in whatever new life they have created for themselves, but when they go back home, they are still nobody.
However, I think I would prefer the latter, but the grass is always greener, isn't it?

FREE ROMAN KOSULIN

Now, normally when Roman gets locked up, I usually assume it's going to be good for him and his lawbreaking ways, but it seems this is a more serious matter. Apparently, Roman is Santa Clara County's "most prolific tagger in recent memory" and has been arrested on 11 counts of felony vandalism. I'm not sure how he got caught, or if I support his illegal activity, but I do know I don't want him in prison!! Who's with me?

i would kill you

for these shoes

This is why I'm different.

I find symbolism and underlying language throughout everything in the world. I consider daily events to be acts of God and eventual conclusions to be the will of God. I understand certain things to be ways with which he communicates with me and find his messages in every circumstance. I realize that I have a theological standpoint when it comes to much of my train of thought. Everything eventually leads back to God, his will, his word, and the question of what truth is, and how my definition separates me from almost everyone I associate with. So every time I think that I'm failing as a Christian, I can reassure myself that maybe if what I believe about Jesus is enough to make me feel like a social outcast, then I might just be on the right track.

I HATE

THIS FUCKING TOWN. WHY DOES IT BREED COCKY ASSHOLES AND DUMB SLUTS?

It's been a rough week

some "highlights" of the past seven days spawning my current existentialism has me wondering...







...does our immortality end with our physical life?



Certainly not.
RIP

Tao Okamoto

Perhaps the Japanese Agyness Deyn?

oh, and this goes without saying

I ALWAYS HAD YOUR BACK

too much love

that nobody wants.

Feeling entirely uninspired as of late, but I thought I'd drop some quick shit.

a) Subway's cool.
b) School sucks, but I have B's, so it's all good.
c) Had the flu, now I don't.
d) Some songs you should download:

1. Blonde Redhead--Top Ranking
2. Loro--Pinback
3. Summer Skin--Death Cab for Cutie
4. Hit the Wall--Broken Social Scene presents Brendan Canning
5. The Only Moment We Were Alone--Explosions in the Sky.

see ya

sup

new battle of the bands.


nothing else that is all!

I got rid of my old life

and got a new one.
A new life where it's worth it to stay up until five in the morning and go to work with few hours of sleep
worth abandoning everything you once held in the highest of esteems
worth isolating yourself and ignoring phone calls



The Sims 3. Totally worth (what was once) your life.

who could ask for a better cd than this?

Okay, this is really embarrassing, but here is an old review I wrote on amazon.com, totally available to the common public, about Linkin Park's CD Hybrid Theory.
It's just...really lame. So lame. It makes me kinda want to die, but I couldn't not post it. I was 13, by the way.

"This CD is so great, words can not describe it! If you love hard rock with a bit of alternitive, tons of music, and meaningful lyrics, this is one great CD for you. I remember how I used to be a pop junkie, trying to get my hands on any and every BSB cd out there. I was watching MTV and One Step Closer came on. I couldn't believe it. I was hooked after that. After I got Hybrid Theory, it was like a revalation. I couldn't believe it, this was real music. Raw talent. No Nsync memeber could do that. It was unbelievable. I never put it on stop. I listned to it every chance I could get. A few of my favorite tracks are Papercut, In The End, Crawling, Points of Authority, and Runaway. I loved everything though. Nothing could ever compare to this CD. If anything was better than this, I would die in shock. Pop music doesn't even come close. Never have I seen such talent, such passion, and such MUSIC! Sorry, BSB, but you don't stand a chance."


I don't even know what to say for myself except that at least I stopped listening to the Backstreet Boys.

all of my favorite people in one music video

hahahahaha
lil wayne needs a haircut in my opinion, but he's an awesome pantomimer.

WHAT

IS GOING ON PEOPLE

Interesting day out on the field. I discovered two eukaryotes reaaalllyyy into some shit.

Anyways, new poll. That's about it. Haven't had many thoughts of relevance, but thought I should break it down anyways.

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)